Jesus Wept

Sweet love on a plastic folk, this shouldn't be legal...

Delores Tanzini (Of Barkeater Lake)

There I am bagging the shit music of James Blunt et al and look what I discovered on the net. This is a link to tell about the music I was listening to 25 years ago... Sweet Christ, did I just say 25 years ago... I'm going to go and lie down and have a good cry...

I annoyed the fuck out of both parents, all my friends and neighbours with this one. But you know what? I still fucking loves it! James Blunt's 'music' is still shit on toast!

Landscape - Einstein a go-go

I dare you to get this tune out of your head afterwards. Go on - I fucking dare ya!

Dockside

Almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs (1955 - )

Yesterday night I entered the Brisbane Comedy Nirvana that is called Dockside Comedy Club.

On Wednesday I played a gig at Kedron Park which was nice and friendly – I tried out some topical shit ‘Big Brother’ – oh how original you say – well they liked it and I’ll road test it some more… Straight after the gig I rocked up to Dockside Comedy Club in the hope of contacting the lightning MC Paul Brasch and persuading him to give me five minutes to prove myself – I’d tried to contact him earlier in the week via text message but the man was stricken with flu. I caught him on Wednesday night just as Chris Wainhouse entered the stage and proceeded to rip the guts out the audience – I swore there were a few heart palpitations as they gasped for air behind the roaring laughter.

I’d played on the same stage with Chris last month @ the Paddo Tavern and it was nice to catch up with him after the show. He remembered me – oh there’s a surprise – you bump into overweight black pommies everyday in Brisbane… But he remembered me because of my ‘Ute’ line (You have to be there…) and congratulated me on it – this was flattering because Chris and Paul have a million of these ‘Gold’ lines between them. Paul was nice enough to give me 5 minutes the next day. I was elated. However, all of the next day I started to shit myself!

The Dockside Comedy Bar looks fantastic, outside and inside and oozed class. It looked like a fantastic place to play. I was shitting it but still looking forward to being on that stage.

When I arrived I geared myself up to getting up first: so when Braschy fired the crowd up and announced ‘…a man I’ve know for years and has been doing comedy for a few years now…’ I knew I wasn’t on next… It was Stephen Head : A man whose comedy finds the thin line of clever and funny with some ease.

It was a clever strategy to get a feature act on first so that the audience knows the rest of the show is going to be good. There was a break and then Casey Talbot came on. He continued the fire in preparation for me… it was a good idea to put the new guy in the middle, because if I sucked ass, then the audience would remember the good stuff prior to sucky ass and move on. As it happened, I did quite well and they liked my stuff, which I was thrilled with. Hopefully they will call me for a longer spot – I will chase them up soon…

It was a damn good night and I can’t say enough about this club – it looks nice and you get what you pay for and more – it’s a testament to the place that they were full on a Wednesday and bursting to the rafters on Thursday – Yes I’d love to play there again and get another piece of that amazing crowd…

Thanks God!

Corndale

Went to Corndale NSW last Saturday - the gig was courtesy of a comedian called Jonathan Atherton (A fucking genius!). I was joined by Kerrin and several other comedians... Read about it here

Earache

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.
Isaac Stern

I’ve come home after a gruelling day working on material with six other comedians for a 6 show extravaganza called ‘Wednesday Nite Live’. We will be performing live sketch show comedy with Stand up and Music. It should be a blast and I’m hoping that it will be packed to the gills with a willing audience who will luv us…

I’ve come home and sat in front of the television with my darling wife watching Andrew Denton (Think Parkinson, except younger with more edge). He’s finished a very sensitive interview with two very brave Australian Olympic cyclists who were mown down by an out of control car in Germany.

He’s now interviewing James Blunt… Seems like a nice guy and he’s seen some nasty shit in Kosovo and the like… Why then can I not stand the fucker’s music? Its not his fault though – he can’t have everybody like what he does and I shouldn’t think he cares since the man has sold 9 million plus albums. What I can’t fathom in this day and age is the fascination with Miserable, powder-pie, wussie music that has the energy of an emphysemic chicken on Mogadon?

Norah Jones, Michael Buble, James Blunt… Dull, safe, government and Christian approved nonsense that sends me to sleep. Granted that we can’t have Pantera every day but these albums are leaving the record stores by the truckload. I don’t get it… My wife likes it but she knows better than to bring the steaming pile of shit in the house… At least with James Blunt, he writes his own shit unlike Michael ‘cabaret fucker’ Buble, who released a whole album of songs and not one of them was written by him… yet some c+nt gave him a record contract. Who’d he fuck to get that deal? Somebody with no ears apparently…

Pissed as a rat

He's mad, He's mad, he's madder than Mad Jack McMad... winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Edmond Blackadder

Its St Patrick's day...

I'm fuck*d. Not that I'm a drunkard or anything its just that 2 cans of Smirnoff leg opener is all I can take these days. What happened to those days when I could drink 10 pints of brain thrasher without a puke in sight...

I'd just like to say that I love you all! Really I do! You're all my best friends you are. Yes you are... all of you. You, you you and yes... even you. I need a love and I need it now. What do you mean I've got love? Oh yes, I do don't I?

Comedy has been interesting recently - I've now gone on to singing. Yes! Did you all hear that? Singing, me? Yes folks. I didn't say I sung as well as those government approved soulless testicle free R 'n' B mofos 'Baby I'm alone with a broken heart'. Fuckers! Oh the demise of Pantera! Dimebag - RIP you awesome cowboy from hell!

Where was I? Singing? That was it! I wrote a filthy blues song for our anniversary and Kerrin has been on at me to sing it in public for the last year - I've finally got the stones to air it in public and the public have taken to it... a few tweaks here and there and it will be ready for my comedy act of Gold! Nipples in the freezer? I ask you...

Where's my smirnoff? What bastard nicked it? Was it you? You'll pay for it you big nosed bast... oh, there it is... Sorry mate. You're nose isn't that big I was just... never mind. Want some crisps? I know they are a bit soaked - sorry mate I didn't mean to spill your pint. I'll buy you another one... oh shit! I haven't got my wallet with me. I'll get you one next time okay! What's that? You don't live round here... well I'm sure we'll meet again soon. Toodle-oo!

How's work? Work is shit! I wish I was a millionnaire. Money doesn't make you happy! That's what rich people say to people rooting through the trash for a scrap of bread... admittedly I haven't rooted through the trash since my last trip to Regals nightclub in Uxbridge... it was 5 minutes to three just before the nightclub was due to close...

John Howard looks like Mr Sheen. George Bush looks like a gibbon - Ha Ha! Doesn't this mofo have his finger on the button and a few of the world's leaders heads firmly wedged up his arse. Tony Blair has his head so far up George's arse, he could tongue kiss John Howard... Hee Hee Hee... Chrissie boy... you're going to Jail... Hee hee hee...

Sigh - Oi! Visit my website and send money - cos I'm running out of Smirnoff and I'm saving for an intraveneous drip full of the stuff... I want my blood to be 7% proof...

Salma Hayek - Christ on a bike... Did you see her at the Oscars - Frankly, I forgot my own name when she came on the screen.

Dancing with the Stars - The world needs a fucking enema! Get me a cannon - I'll sort those bastards out - wiggling their arses as if there's something alive wedged up it.

Lord help me - I need a new head.

New webpage

I have a new website

www.chrisdaniel.com.au

Please visit and enjoy.

Luv Cheeks

Sin City (2005): A Review

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.
Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Plot Outline

A collection of interweaving stories all based in the corrupt, crime infested hell-hole that is Basin City. Heavily influenced by film-noir, the main storylines concern a hulking brute called Marv (Mickey Rourke), who is seeking the murderer of a beautiful woman who was killed while asleep in bed with him; an ex-photographer called Dwight (Clive Owen) who accidentally kills a hero cop and has to cover it up; and a soon-to-be-retiring policeman called Hartigan (Bruce Willis) who is incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit. All based on the brilliant graphic novels "Sin City", "The Big Fat Kill" and "That Yellow Bastard", written and illustrated by Frank Miller.

Credited Cast
Devon Aoki.... Miho
Powers Boothe.... Senator Roark
Rosario Dawson.... Gail
Benicio Del Toro.... Jackie Boy Rafferty
Michael Clarke Duncan.... Manute
Carla Gugino.... Lucille
Rutger Hauer.... Cardinal Patrick Henry Roark
Michael Madsen.... Bob
Clive Owen.... Dwight McCarthy
Mickey Rourke.... Marv
Nick Stahl.... Roark Jr./Yellow Bastard
Bruce Willis.... John Hartigan
Elijah Wood.... Kevin

Plot Outline and credits courtesy of IMDB.com

Review:

Well… Any film that casts Elijah Wood as a serial killing, cannibal that kicks ass as a martial artist has full marks for bravery.

Sin City is dark… not just dark but Daaaaaaaaark! Filmed in weird black and white with bits of colour: Whats that? Film Noir? I don’t fucking know – its artsy but the gore and blood with heads being lopped off left and right works for me. God I love you Quentin T and Robert R.

There are many characters that I enjoyed here: From the lethal and silent Miho played by the disgracefully attractive Devon Aoki (There had better be more of her in Sin City 2) to Dwight the ultimate anti-hero who is as bad and mad as anyone in this movie but we are all clearly rooting for him. Rosario Dawson is always good value but the fact that she’s in fishnets… My God! The writers and directors of this film have invaded my dreams and made a movie. I have been trying to get my wife to watch this movie but seeing as the first scene contains a lady catching a bullet up close the hard way… no chance.

This film was wonderful from start to finish. All the characters had something to say and the story, effects, mood, and acting were excellent. I’ve never read any of Frank Miller’s Graphic Novellas but I wish I had. BTW welcome back Mickey Rourke – An excellent performance as crazy Marv.

I only had one regret about this film… that I caught it on DVD instead of the Big screen. Just try keeping me away from Sin City 2.

Stars and Bars

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)

I was wide awake today when Rove came on the television… His first guest was Harrison Ford. Did you know Harrison Ford used to be a Carpenter…? Watch out! This is a clumsy set up for a gag later!

Harrison Ford is a great cure for insomnia. What a boring git? I was sure that being a major movie star meant that you should have something else when the looks start to fade, I dunno, maybe, erm… Charisma… call me old fashioned. I felt sorry for Rove – the interview was like pulling teeth for fuck sake! Ford was obviously on the show to plug his new movie and the arse couldn’t even sell that properly… The producers of the film must have been choked on their cocaine in disgust…

He hasn’t done anything decent since Indiana Jones anyway…

Get back to Carpentry Ford - you’ll be at home working with wood…

Rove's next interview was with the Olsen Twins...

Where's my fucking remote control?

Smirnoff rides again

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben

I went to my first pool party on Saturday. It was the shared birthday soiree of Shane T Downey (T for Theopolis… right!) and a lovely girl called Kim who supplied the venue: Her apartment complex has a contained pool area – how cool is that? Lots of homes in Queensland have pools and Spas that contribute to a look of staggering opulence… There are also Stage 2 water restrictions in force due to reservoir levels being at their lowest in 50 years – currently 38% - Dangerously low… Any coincidence?

So! Never been to a pool party – I flirted with the idea years ago with Mike Edwards and Max Ashong in the mid nineties but never got around to it. We didn’t know anybody with a pool and the local community swimming pool had strict guidelines about having life savers on board… none of the employees of the baths wanted to baby sit two hundred drunk arseholes liable to jump into the pool fully clothed… miserable bastards!

No such restrictions here – just, ahem a sarong –

What was that Cheeks? A Sarong? Thank God Mike Edwards isn’t listening to this… I gave him hell and a half when we all took a trip to Ibiza in ’98 and he’d admitted to wearing one on a beach in Barbados… Hetero boy and his mates made poor Mike face a Kangaroo court – It was around the time that that other metro-sexual geek david beckham was walking around New York with one on – New York??? Wanker! So here I was eight years later in East Brisbane wearing one of my wife’s efforts, showing off a bit of – may I say in my defence – quality leg…

I turned up to this shin-dig slightly late due to other commitments but I knew I wanted to turn up because you really shouldn’t miss a Laundromats jam unless you really really had to – they are quality offerings.

So I showed up and everybody was seated around the pool – pissed or nearly so. I was completely sober. I drove there and realised that my attire had no storage for my keys – no pockets, nothing. I was wearing a T-Shirt, sarong and jockeys – Dick togs were banned by Shane and any half-decent member of the community. I was carrying my standard six-pack of Smirnoff double Black but that was alright because that stuff was going straight into ‘Phil’ the Esky… Geddit! Eh? Eh? Yeah…

Kris had a couple of ideas about the keys – ‘You could trust me with them or just chuck ‘em into the pool.’

I figured I be swimming after them anyway so I chucked ‘em in the pool…

The day started off well as I was re-acquainted with Tara and Tony and introduced to new people Jodie (Mad girl with long pink hair), Kim the birthday girl and assorted others. I opened my first can and was handed a glow in the dark straw in lieu of umbrellas. So then began a day of crude jokes and drinking and mad people chucking themselves in the pool fully clothed… okay, that was just me. Frolicking with Jodie and Shane and pretending to be a whale (no stretch required there… ha, ha ha bonk!) until the darkness took hold. Plus I had to get my keys back somehow.

After coming out of the pool I realised that I had met Jodie Lawlor before… the last time I saw her though she wasn’t in a two piece bikini displaying superb body, she was in a Leprechaun suit playing guitar at the Laundromats album launch in May last year and singing mad lyrics about our boys. She’s also the lead singer of a band called SemiColon. Very cool chick! Very talented…

The night ended nicely as we all left. Kris and Shane were going to the Paddo where they had played the last few nights with a Headlining comedian called Charlie Pickering – I haven’t seen his work but he’s appearing a lot on ‘Comedy Channel’ on Foxtel doing links with Cameron Knight. I joined the Laundry Boys to get a couple of drinks and meet Charlie but I didn’t manage it as he was surrounded by an entourage. There is a show called ‘Entourage’ from the states… check it out if you can its pretty good.

Instead of seeing Charlie I did notice something here. The Laundros are very well known in Paddington. They regularly play here on support slots and have received some well deserved attention… I’d better get my arse in gear!

We drank crap beer and met up with Fiona McGary before my stamina ran out.

I’m sure I used to do it harder than this… good times though, good times.