Pissed as a rat

He's mad, He's mad, he's madder than Mad Jack McMad... winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Edmond Blackadder

Its St Patrick's day...

I'm fuck*d. Not that I'm a drunkard or anything its just that 2 cans of Smirnoff leg opener is all I can take these days. What happened to those days when I could drink 10 pints of brain thrasher without a puke in sight...

I'd just like to say that I love you all! Really I do! You're all my best friends you are. Yes you are... all of you. You, you you and yes... even you. I need a love and I need it now. What do you mean I've got love? Oh yes, I do don't I?

Comedy has been interesting recently - I've now gone on to singing. Yes! Did you all hear that? Singing, me? Yes folks. I didn't say I sung as well as those government approved soulless testicle free R 'n' B mofos 'Baby I'm alone with a broken heart'. Fuckers! Oh the demise of Pantera! Dimebag - RIP you awesome cowboy from hell!

Where was I? Singing? That was it! I wrote a filthy blues song for our anniversary and Kerrin has been on at me to sing it in public for the last year - I've finally got the stones to air it in public and the public have taken to it... a few tweaks here and there and it will be ready for my comedy act of Gold! Nipples in the freezer? I ask you...

Where's my smirnoff? What bastard nicked it? Was it you? You'll pay for it you big nosed bast... oh, there it is... Sorry mate. You're nose isn't that big I was just... never mind. Want some crisps? I know they are a bit soaked - sorry mate I didn't mean to spill your pint. I'll buy you another one... oh shit! I haven't got my wallet with me. I'll get you one next time okay! What's that? You don't live round here... well I'm sure we'll meet again soon. Toodle-oo!

How's work? Work is shit! I wish I was a millionnaire. Money doesn't make you happy! That's what rich people say to people rooting through the trash for a scrap of bread... admittedly I haven't rooted through the trash since my last trip to Regals nightclub in Uxbridge... it was 5 minutes to three just before the nightclub was due to close...

John Howard looks like Mr Sheen. George Bush looks like a gibbon - Ha Ha! Doesn't this mofo have his finger on the button and a few of the world's leaders heads firmly wedged up his arse. Tony Blair has his head so far up George's arse, he could tongue kiss John Howard... Hee Hee Hee... Chrissie boy... you're going to Jail... Hee hee hee...

Sigh - Oi! Visit my website and send money - cos I'm running out of Smirnoff and I'm saving for an intraveneous drip full of the stuff... I want my blood to be 7% proof...

Salma Hayek - Christ on a bike... Did you see her at the Oscars - Frankly, I forgot my own name when she came on the screen.

Dancing with the Stars - The world needs a fucking enema! Get me a cannon - I'll sort those bastards out - wiggling their arses as if there's something alive wedged up it.

Lord help me - I need a new head.