Adventures in Oz

Jesus Wept

2006-05-02T16:28:00.000+10:00

Sweet love on a plastic folk, this shouldn't be legal...

Delores Tanzini (Of Barkeater Lake)

There I am bagging the shit music of James Blunt et al and look what I discovered on the net. This is a link to tell about the music I was listening to 25 years ago... Sweet Christ, did I just say 25 years ago... I'm going to go and lie down and have a good cry...

I annoyed the fuck out of both parents, all my friends and neighbours with this one. But you know what? I still fucking loves it! James Blunt's 'music' is still shit on toast!

Landscape - Einstein a go-go

I dare you to get this tune out of your head afterwards. Go on - I fucking dare ya!

Dockside

2006-04-21T10:32:00.000+10:00

Almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs (1955 - )

Yesterday night I entered the Brisbane Comedy Nirvana that is called Dockside Comedy Club.

On Wednesday I played a gig at Kedron Park which was nice and friendly – I tried out some topical shit ‘Big Brother’ – oh how original you say – well they liked it and I’ll road test it some more… Straight after the gig I rocked up to Dockside Comedy Club in the hope of contacting the lightning MC Paul Brasch and persuading him to give me five minutes to prove myself – I’d tried to contact him earlier in the week via text message but the man was stricken with flu. I caught him on Wednesday night just as Chris Wainhouse entered the stage and proceeded to rip the guts out the audience – I swore there were a few heart palpitations as they gasped for air behind the roaring laughter.

I’d played on the same stage with Chris last month @ the Paddo Tavern and it was nice to catch up with him after the show. He remembered me – oh there’s a surprise – you bump into overweight black pommies everyday in Brisbane… But he remembered me because of my ‘Ute’ line (You have to be there…) and congratulated me on it – this was flattering because Chris and Paul have a million of these ‘Gold’ lines between them. Paul was nice enough to give me 5 minutes the next day. I was elated. However, all of the next day I started to shit myself!

The Dockside Comedy Bar looks fantastic, outside and inside and oozed class. It looked like a fantastic place to play. I was shitting it but still looking forward to being on that stage.

When I arrived I geared myself up to getting up first: so when Braschy fired the crowd up and announced ‘…a man I’ve know for years and has been doing comedy for a few years now…’ I knew I wasn’t on next… It was Stephen Head : A man whose comedy finds the thin line of clever and funny with some ease.

It was a clever strategy to get a feature act on first so that the audience knows the rest of the show is going to be good. There was a break and then Casey Talbot came on. He continued the fire in preparation for me… it was a good idea to put the new guy in the middle, because if I sucked ass, then the audience would remember the good stuff prior to sucky ass and move on. As it happened, I did quite well and they liked my stuff, which I was thrilled with. Hopefully they will call me for a longer spot – I will chase them up soon…

It was a damn good night and I can’t say enough about this club – it looks nice and you get what you pay for and more – it’s a testament to the place that they were full on a Wednesday and bursting to the rafters on Thursday – Yes I’d love to play there again and get another piece of that amazing crowd…

Thanks God!

Corndale

2006-04-17T22:45:00.001+10:00

Went to Corndale NSW last Saturday - the gig was courtesy of a comedian called Jonathan Atherton (A fucking genius!). I was joined by Kerrin and several other comedians... Read about it here

Earache

2006-04-17T22:45:00.000+10:00

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.
Isaac Stern

I’ve come home after a gruelling day working on material with six other comedians for a 6 show extravaganza called ‘Wednesday Nite Live’. We will be performing live sketch show comedy with Stand up and Music. It should be a blast and I’m hoping that it will be packed to the gills with a willing audience who will luv us…

I’ve come home and sat in front of the television with my darling wife watching Andrew Denton (Think Parkinson, except younger with more edge). He’s finished a very sensitive interview with two very brave Australian Olympic cyclists who were mown down by an out of control car in Germany.

He’s now interviewing James Blunt… Seems like a nice guy and he’s seen some nasty shit in Kosovo and the like… Why then can I not stand the fucker’s music? Its not his fault though – he can’t have everybody like what he does and I shouldn’t think he cares since the man has sold 9 million plus albums. What I can’t fathom in this day and age is the fascination with Miserable, powder-pie, wussie music that has the energy of an emphysemic chicken on Mogadon?

Norah Jones, Michael Buble, James Blunt… Dull, safe, government and Christian approved nonsense that sends me to sleep. Granted that we can’t have Pantera every day but these albums are leaving the record stores by the truckload. I don’t get it… My wife likes it but she knows better than to bring the steaming pile of shit in the house… At least with James Blunt, he writes his own shit unlike Michael ‘cabaret fucker’ Buble, who released a whole album of songs and not one of them was written by him… yet some c+nt gave him a record contract. Who’d he fuck to get that deal? Somebody with no ears apparently…

Pissed as a rat

2006-03-17T21:57:00.000+10:00

He's mad, He's mad, he's madder than Mad Jack McMad... winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Edmond Blackadder

Its St Patrick's day...

I'm fuck*d. Not that I'm a drunkard or anything its just that 2 cans of Smirnoff leg opener is all I can take these days. What happened to those days when I could drink 10 pints of brain thrasher without a puke in sight...

I'd just like to say that I love you all! Really I do! You're all my best friends you are. Yes you are... all of you. You, you you and yes... even you. I need a love and I need it now. What do you mean I've got love? Oh yes, I do don't I?

Comedy has been interesting recently - I've now gone on to singing. Yes! Did you all hear that? Singing, me? Yes folks. I didn't say I sung as well as those government approved soulless testicle free R 'n' B mofos 'Baby I'm alone with a broken heart'. Fuckers! Oh the demise of Pantera! Dimebag - RIP you awesome cowboy from hell!

Where was I? Singing? That was it! I wrote a filthy blues song for our anniversary and Kerrin has been on at me to sing it in public for the last year - I've finally got the stones to air it in public and the public have taken to it... a few tweaks here and there and it will be ready for my comedy act of Gold! Nipples in the freezer? I ask you...

Where's my smirnoff? What bastard nicked it? Was it you? You'll pay for it you big nosed bast... oh, there it is... Sorry mate. You're nose isn't that big I was just... never mind. Want some crisps? I know they are a bit soaked - sorry mate I didn't mean to spill your pint. I'll buy you another one... oh shit! I haven't got my wallet with me. I'll get you one next time okay! What's that? You don't live round here... well I'm sure we'll meet again soon. Toodle-oo!

How's work? Work is shit! I wish I was a millionnaire. Money doesn't make you happy! That's what rich people say to people rooting through the trash for a scrap of bread... admittedly I haven't rooted through the trash since my last trip to Regals nightclub in Uxbridge... it was 5 minutes to three just before the nightclub was due to close...

John Howard looks like Mr Sheen. George Bush looks like a gibbon - Ha Ha! Doesn't this mofo have his finger on the button and a few of the world's leaders heads firmly wedged up his arse. Tony Blair has his head so far up George's arse, he could tongue kiss John Howard... Hee Hee Hee... Chrissie boy... you're going to Jail... Hee hee hee...

Sigh - Oi! Visit my website and send money - cos I'm running out of Smirnoff and I'm saving for an intraveneous drip full of the stuff... I want my blood to be 7% proof...

Salma Hayek - Christ on a bike... Did you see her at the Oscars - Frankly, I forgot my own name when she came on the screen.

Dancing with the Stars - The world needs a fucking enema! Get me a cannon - I'll sort those bastards out - wiggling their arses as if there's something alive wedged up it.

Lord help me - I need a new head.

New webpage

2006-03-03T00:42:00.000+10:00

I have a new website

www.chrisdaniel.com.au

Please visit and enjoy.

Luv Cheeks

Sin City (2005): A Review

2006-02-21T23:12:00.000+10:00

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.
Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Plot Outline

A collection of interweaving stories all based in the corrupt, crime infested hell-hole that is Basin City. Heavily influenced by film-noir, the main storylines concern a hulking brute called Marv (Mickey Rourke), who is seeking the murderer of a beautiful woman who was killed while asleep in bed with him; an ex-photographer called Dwight (Clive Owen) who accidentally kills a hero cop and has to cover it up; and a soon-to-be-retiring policeman called Hartigan (Bruce Willis) who is incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit. All based on the brilliant graphic novels "Sin City", "The Big Fat Kill" and "That Yellow Bastard", written and illustrated by Frank Miller.

Credited Cast
Devon Aoki.... Miho
Powers Boothe.... Senator Roark
Rosario Dawson.... Gail
Benicio Del Toro.... Jackie Boy Rafferty
Michael Clarke Duncan.... Manute
Carla Gugino.... Lucille
Rutger Hauer.... Cardinal Patrick Henry Roark
Michael Madsen.... Bob
Clive Owen.... Dwight McCarthy
Mickey Rourke.... Marv
Nick Stahl.... Roark Jr./Yellow Bastard
Bruce Willis.... John Hartigan
Elijah Wood.... Kevin

Plot Outline and credits courtesy of IMDB.com

Review:

Well… Any film that casts Elijah Wood as a serial killing, cannibal that kicks ass as a martial artist has full marks for bravery.

Sin City is dark… not just dark but Daaaaaaaaark! Filmed in weird black and white with bits of colour: Whats that? Film Noir? I don’t fucking know – its artsy but the gore and blood with heads being lopped off left and right works for me. God I love you Quentin T and Robert R.

There are many characters that I enjoyed here: From the lethal and silent Miho played by the disgracefully attractive Devon Aoki (There had better be more of her in Sin City 2) to Dwight the ultimate anti-hero who is as bad and mad as anyone in this movie but we are all clearly rooting for him. Rosario Dawson is always good value but the fact that she’s in fishnets… My God! The writers and directors of this film have invaded my dreams and made a movie. I have been trying to get my wife to watch this movie but seeing as the first scene contains a lady catching a bullet up close the hard way… no chance.

This film was wonderful from start to finish. All the characters had something to say and the story, effects, mood, and acting were excellent. I’ve never read any of Frank Miller’s Graphic Novellas but I wish I had. BTW welcome back Mickey Rourke – An excellent performance as crazy Marv.

I only had one regret about this film… that I caught it on DVD instead of the Big screen. Just try keeping me away from Sin City 2.

Stars and Bars

2006-02-21T22:22:00.000+10:00

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)

I was wide awake today when Rove came on the television… His first guest was Harrison Ford. Did you know Harrison Ford used to be a Carpenter…? Watch out! This is a clumsy set up for a gag later!

Harrison Ford is a great cure for insomnia. What a boring git? I was sure that being a major movie star meant that you should have something else when the looks start to fade, I dunno, maybe, erm… Charisma… call me old fashioned. I felt sorry for Rove – the interview was like pulling teeth for fuck sake! Ford was obviously on the show to plug his new movie and the arse couldn’t even sell that properly… The producers of the film must have been choked on their cocaine in disgust…

He hasn’t done anything decent since Indiana Jones anyway…

Get back to Carpentry Ford - you’ll be at home working with wood…

Rove's next interview was with the Olsen Twins...

Where's my fucking remote control?

Smirnoff rides again

2006-02-17T11:40:00.000+10:00

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben

I went to my first pool party on Saturday. It was the shared birthday soiree of Shane T Downey (T for Theopolis… right!) and a lovely girl called Kim who supplied the venue: Her apartment complex has a contained pool area – how cool is that? Lots of homes in Queensland have pools and Spas that contribute to a look of staggering opulence… There are also Stage 2 water restrictions in force due to reservoir levels being at their lowest in 50 years – currently 38% - Dangerously low… Any coincidence?

So! Never been to a pool party – I flirted with the idea years ago with Mike Edwards and Max Ashong in the mid nineties but never got around to it. We didn’t know anybody with a pool and the local community swimming pool had strict guidelines about having life savers on board… none of the employees of the baths wanted to baby sit two hundred drunk arseholes liable to jump into the pool fully clothed… miserable bastards!

No such restrictions here – just, ahem a sarong –

What was that Cheeks? A Sarong? Thank God Mike Edwards isn’t listening to this… I gave him hell and a half when we all took a trip to Ibiza in ’98 and he’d admitted to wearing one on a beach in Barbados… Hetero boy and his mates made poor Mike face a Kangaroo court – It was around the time that that other metro-sexual geek david beckham was walking around New York with one on – New York??? Wanker! So here I was eight years later in East Brisbane wearing one of my wife’s efforts, showing off a bit of – may I say in my defence – quality leg…

I turned up to this shin-dig slightly late due to other commitments but I knew I wanted to turn up because you really shouldn’t miss a Laundromats jam unless you really really had to – they are quality offerings.

So I showed up and everybody was seated around the pool – pissed or nearly so. I was completely sober. I drove there and realised that my attire had no storage for my keys – no pockets, nothing. I was wearing a T-Shirt, sarong and jockeys – Dick togs were banned by Shane and any half-decent member of the community. I was carrying my standard six-pack of Smirnoff double Black but that was alright because that stuff was going straight into ‘Phil’ the Esky… Geddit! Eh? Eh? Yeah…

Kris had a couple of ideas about the keys – ‘You could trust me with them or just chuck ‘em into the pool.’

I figured I be swimming after them anyway so I chucked ‘em in the pool…

The day started off well as I was re-acquainted with Tara and Tony and introduced to new people Jodie (Mad girl with long pink hair), Kim the birthday girl and assorted others. I opened my first can and was handed a glow in the dark straw in lieu of umbrellas. So then began a day of crude jokes and drinking and mad people chucking themselves in the pool fully clothed… okay, that was just me. Frolicking with Jodie and Shane and pretending to be a whale (no stretch required there… ha, ha ha bonk!) until the darkness took hold. Plus I had to get my keys back somehow.

After coming out of the pool I realised that I had met Jodie Lawlor before… the last time I saw her though she wasn’t in a two piece bikini displaying superb body, she was in a Leprechaun suit playing guitar at the Laundromats album launch in May last year and singing mad lyrics about our boys. She’s also the lead singer of a band called SemiColon. Very cool chick! Very talented…

The night ended nicely as we all left. Kris and Shane were going to the Paddo where they had played the last few nights with a Headlining comedian called Charlie Pickering – I haven’t seen his work but he’s appearing a lot on ‘Comedy Channel’ on Foxtel doing links with Cameron Knight. I joined the Laundry Boys to get a couple of drinks and meet Charlie but I didn’t manage it as he was surrounded by an entourage. There is a show called ‘Entourage’ from the states… check it out if you can its pretty good.

Instead of seeing Charlie I did notice something here. The Laundros are very well known in Paddington. They regularly play here on support slots and have received some well deserved attention… I’d better get my arse in gear!

We drank crap beer and met up with Fiona McGary before my stamina ran out.

I’m sure I used to do it harder than this… good times though, good times.

Big Brown Cheeks shows off

2006-02-16T22:05:00.000+10:00

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
Walter Anderson

MC: Chris Daniel
Tank
June Hordern
Chris Hague
Dave Wilson
Suzee K
Liz Skitch
Jo Heywood

For five long weeks its been brown trousers time as I finally caved in and said I’d do an MC’s spot for Duane Jaenke at Finnegan’s Chin (The Crown Hotel) in Lutwyche. I’d performed there a few times since the room opened up for Sunday night comedy in September last year.

The Crown is a strange place for comedy because you have the same crowd of regular pub goers every week – so all that relying on your Comedy Gold wasn’t going to wash week by week. Eventually you have to come up with new stuff.

Mike Van Acker stated a statistic for me when I did Greenbank RSL for him (remember the gig where my voice packed up hours before?)… anyway… People generally go out and see comedy about three times in their lives… and then usually the boss pays for it…

These guys at the crown had seen my act and then some… I wasn’t coming up with new stuff every week and I should have done because Duane was paying us. Duane was also the MC every week and he was ready to pass the torch on to us on a rotation basis.

I chickened out at the first round of asking… some bullshit about not having enough material to work with. The Truth? I shit myself at the thought – it was another hurdle that I came up short against.

Darren Brinkworth is a fellow comedian and all round nice guy. He’d asked my advice on several occasions and I was happy to give it to him and now I watch him proudly as he’s slowly turned silence into laughs. Duane asked him to MC and he readily took on the challenge.

!!!!!???

I was on that night he introduced himself to the crowd as the night’s MC. I hit the stage and fluffed my lines in shame… Darren came up to me later.

‘Chris, I’m a little disappointed that you haven’t done an MC’s spot yet…’
‘Yeah, I suppose but I didn’t feel like I had enough material…’

Cheeks? You’re so full of shit…

It spurred me on and I asked Duane to consider me whenever a spot for MC came up… My turn came last Sunday and five weeks of ‘Pooey pants Malone’ came to an end… Something happened to me… I had, erm… fun…

Firstly, my good Karma in sending Duane’s request for new comedians around on my email list rewarded me with four female comedians. We usually only ever have one… the lovely Suzee K! This time, Liz Skitch, June Hordern, Jo Heywood and Suzee were on my bill. It was a great night. I wasn’t the funniest but I had a ball dealing with drunk hecklers, chatting to the audience without being abusive and advertising 2-4-1 beer deals… I’m gonna sign up for more because there isn’t a chance that I’ll get a regular chance to practice elsewhere other than Finnegan’s.

So Thank you Mr Duane ‘Motormouth’ Jaenke. You’ve done a good thing for us new guys. The Crown ain’t the Paddo… but it’s the start on a long road…

Chucking it away

2006-02-15T21:30:00.000+10:00

…I’ll be two cars less linked up in Traffic tomorrow…
Bill Hicks

There is an uproar…

The Bali nine have been sentenced to life imprisonment in Indonesia on drug trafficking charges. Not a huge surprise frankly.

All kids go through a ‘passage of temptation’. It could be a first cigarette, a belt of whisky under a bridge with other reprobates or even an ecstasy pill in a club. It happens to us all. We can choose to cave in (And a lot of us do…) or be strong and not do… but that wouldn’t be true to life would it. We all have our addictions no matter how big or small but we try to control them.

I have made some stupid mistakes in my time but smuggling hard drugs to a country where you know the sentence could mean life imprisonment (if you’re fucking lucky!) isn’t a ‘passage of temptation’ it’s an act of total and utter idiocy.

I do have a theory about their capture in Bali though. I heard that the Australian Police knew what these idiots were up to and waited until they arrived in Bali until they were arrested. This accomplishes two things.

1. The Australian Authorities won’t have to pay their prison bills
2. Its gonna set a great example to any pricks thinking about bringing even a gram of the hard stuff in…

Christ! Scappelle Corby got 20 years for bringing weed in. Weed? Alright, it was 4 kilos but its still only weed! (Careful, Lord Cheeks, the authorities are watching – ED)

So… there is an uproar…

I truly feel sorry that they will spend the rest of their lives (or the best years of their lives) in Prison but there was no mystery about the consequences.

Let that be a lesson to you

Teeth

2006-02-13T21:30:00.000+10:00

Don't let the bastards grind you down.
General Joseph W. Stilwell (1883 - 1946), Motto

The Sharks are circling...

Even though those fuckers will bite you, at least make sure you take a couple of the fuckers with you...

I can see you...

I'm gonna be on the Radio...

2006-02-08T11:59:00.000+10:00

News Flash:

I will be making my first appearence on Radio for 4ZzZ on 17th February 2006 with my friend (and fellow comedian extraordinnaire) Jenny Wynter and pals. No doubt I will be spouting my usual bile and drivel and causing massive amounts of destruction and violence that only the Riot Squad will be able to sort out... then again - maybe it will be mild humerous chat about John Howard's weird looking eyes...

Check it out - it'll be a blast!

Take some more... bitch

2006-02-07T16:06:00.000+10:00

If you don't accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense.

Holly Lisle, Fire In The Mist, 1992

God bless America… God Bless the United States of America.

Defence spending up… Medicare down, Education down. The excuse? The budget needs to be cut in half…

Why do countries do this: Cutting the bollocks off its citizens apparently for their own safety? Americans have never been more scared or terrified in its entire history and it only has itself to blame. If you keep voting for the same war-mongering oil thirsty money hungry fuckwits every four years this is what you get.

Just in case you think its only a small amount voting for Bushy and his republican oil barons, there are millions of these cretins – Its no coincidence that 92% of Americans don’t own a passport. Why leave a place that makes you feel safe and shit scared at the same time – Makes perfect sense. Rooted to the spot and rooted at the same time (Rooted? Its an Aussie thing)!

Aaaagh! Them I-rakies are out to git us... Wait a cotton-pickin' minute... Those are US made missiles!!!!

Americans are hated by virtually every other country too. Go to any country and say you’re an American – people will hate you for no good reason… This is horrible and unfair. The Americans who choose to leave and explore the world are generally quite fine beautiful people (there is the odd scum that escapes but usually they’ve won a trip on a gameshow…). Unfortunately they have all been lumped in with the current administration lead by a whore of the greenback! Mind you, it also doesn’t help that most Americans will back the said administration no matter how much evidence suggests that they may be… shall we say… a bit um, er well… crooked! The war in Iraq a classic example of massive self interest… but that’s another argument.

As a Black guy in Australia from the UK people look at me – before I’ve opened my mouth – and think I’m American!!! I’m quick to correct them in the poshest Kensington accent I can manage (or rough-arse Essex barrow boy scum depending on my mood). I want to be liked, Gard-dammit!

All this is a digression: Bush has pushed it up their backsides just a bit further now and I’m worried – because the Triangle of Terror (Bush, Blair and Howard) always follow each other. Australia has introduced new laws introducing more powers to ‘combat terrorism’: half of which rip away free speech. America did this first, Britain tried to follow suit but at least the Commons decided to reject some of his ‘ideas’ and Australia are hot up Bush’s arse. Thanks John and thanks for cutting off at the knees with your revolutionary Industrial relations reforms. You’ll still win the next election though because you’ve got weak and idiotic opposition and a constituent who have been fooled by your ahem, ‘opinions’. Bob Marley said it best though - You can’t fool all the people all the time.

Oh sweet Justice...

2006-02-03T10:24:00.000+10:00

Campbell strikes me as someone who you need to put your arm around every week...

Mark Lawrenson (Ex Liverpool Legend)

Mark is of course being diplomatic. Every Spurs fan will listen to Mark's comments and agree that its not an 'arm around' that Sol 'Hock-Spit' Campbell wants but a fucking huge smack in the mush! I will not be administering the said slap because the treacherous fucker is huge!

Read the BBC report with glee.

Campbell - I laugh at your pain.

WHAT????

2006-02-01T12:51:00.000+10:00

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

February already? Where the fuck did January go? I wasn't that drunk for Heaven's/Nirvana's/Mecca's sake!

Give me another smirnoff... March is approaching fast...

Sloth will have to wait...

2006-01-31T15:22:00.000+10:00

You are truly the answer to the question that nobody asked…
Banks the dog (Barkeater Lake)

Valentine’s day approaches and for the first time in history I have got everything organised a fortnight before the event – it does mean that Kerrin will probably find out what I’ve got for her but at least I don’t have to worry about it now… I can get on with slothfully dissolving into the couch watching my DVD box set of Sergio Leone’s “Dollar Trilogy” – Sergio you Italian Genius!!!

There are two kinds of people, those with loaded guns and those who dig! You dig... Chris's carport

But no such luck ladies and germs, because round two of our renovation saga has begun and the fucking council have held up our car port application because they deem it too small and against regulation – This is Karma for all my years working for the Public service in London and giving members of the public shit whilst collecting the local rates. Now I’m on the other side of the fence I realise the frustrating business of not being able to take your business elsewhere or twisting the said bureaucrats necks off their shoulders. Welcome to the world of the civilian. Fucked with no comebacks! You can see why postal workers in the US lose it big time!

These things will sort out soon enough…

This is NOT a test

2006-01-30T09:11:00.000+10:00

Paradise comes at a price that I am not prepared to pay

'Megolomania': MUSE

Sometimes...

...even in Paradise...

You should always know who your friends are...

Rock Solid Aussie

2006-01-27T12:09:00.000+10:00

The main things which seem to me important on their own account, and not merely as means to other things, are knowledge, art, instinctive happiness, and relations of friendship or affection.
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

It was Australia Day yesterday where all Australians unite by taking the day off - unless you work for KFC or the Bottle shops! Others refer to it as ‘Invasion Day’ with reference to Capitano James Cook when hordes of British settled on ‘undiscovered’ land whilst wiping out hundreds of thousands of Aboriginals in the process…

On a hot and sweaty day at Moorooka Lions Club in Brisbane there was a citizenship ceremony in progress. Pacifique Gakindi and his family from Rwanda and Lyn Ellison from the UK were just two of a number from difference races and countries taking on the vows in becoming one with this country. Pacific’s youngest boy was already born an Australian and did not need to go through the ceremony.

The Hon Gary Hardgrave MP lead the proceedings with an impassioned speech to all listeners welcoming the newcomers as citizens and reminding us all that citizenship does not mean the abandonment of your past heritage or previous country but that you must just add a new chapter to your culture. Common sense from a politician? Who knew?

It was great to watch Africans, British, Spanish and Asians going through the ceremony, only because the melting pot that needs to happen to make a country like this grow further has only just started to bubble… The start we’re looking for has begun very very slowly but is starting to happen – It would probably go a lot faster once a few admin changes at the top are made… My citizenship ceremony won’t happen for a couple more years (maybe not at all after this blog entry). If I live in a place I need to be able to vote…

No fucking Kylie on this station!!!

Once the citizenship stuff had finished I made my way to Kris Smith and Shane Downey’s house (The Laundromats) for another Australia Day tradition: The Triple J radio countdown of the ‘Hot 100’ and a big fuck off Barbeque with added booze. Added to the Laundros were the usual reprobates and friends from the comedy world: Nish, Marshal Davis, Shaun Conroy and Garth Remmington.

I walked into their basement to the sounds of ‘Wolfmother’, loaded up with a bucket of KFC Chicken, a six pack of Smirnoff Black – or POOFTER DRINK to the hardened locals - and Cascade lager. In the unlikely event that I end up dying a Rock star’s death, there will be no cocaine or heroin needles littered about the place. All you’ll find are Leg-opener juice bottles and remnants of bone, grease and lemon wipe towels…

‘One bucket of Chicken, Chris? You could have brought some for the rest of us…’ Thank you Shane…

And so the day of swilling vast amounts of alcohol (vast for me – the rest of them didn’t look affected at all) and consuming plentiful quantities of dead animal flesh continued. Amongst the laughter, talking enormous amounts of crap and chilling out to some cracking tunes from the ‘Js’, I felt at an incredible ease that I hadn't felt for sometime – although I like my wife’s friends, there is something different about this crew and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I recollected the last two times I laughed this hard and gelled so well with mates. The last time was on that mad road trip to Canberra. And prior to that was on Australia day 2004 when Kerrin and I flew down to Sydney to meet up with our mate Duane Matsen. Duane had joined a Thespian group and these guys had many stories that resonated with my own and although I wasn’t a stand up comedian then, I can only put the connection with these two groups down to the fact that they are all performance artists. Either that or complete loonies – that would make more sense to others who know me… I’m sticking with the luvvie theory, darling!!!

As usual, as the sun went down, the mozzies started to hover, looking at all the candidates to sink their jaws into:

‘Foreign or domestic… look Jim, a fat bastard fuelled up on Smirnoff! Paaaaaartay!’

As usual nobody else was affected as the mosquitoes had a soiree on my legs. I asked Kris if he had a tin of Mossie spray. He complied and started to spray my arms and legs – then I spotted “Mortein’ on the can… Fucking High grade surface spray guaranteed to keep cockroaches away… for six fucking months… chasing Kris is difficult for a man in my peak physical condition… He’s a nippy little bastard is Kris Smith!

Too much food and Smirnoff Blacks later we all chilled out as the sun went down to turn the sky into beautiful shades of red and orange (I refused to use the word ‘peach’ because it is a fruit and not a colour. Only used by Versace whores and Feng Shui cretins who need to get a life by not being ripped off by fabric junkies and interior designers… Ahem, rant over).

As the Js countdown reached the end, so did the sunlight. I was so chilled that I could have floated home. All that was needed was something that would have got my visa application revoked (Now agreed…). That Sunset was as beautiful as any I’d seen in Beefa, as well as the company.

As soon as my renovations have finished I will be having more days like this. You can count on it.

Its a fair ol' game and no mistake...

2006-01-24T10:56:00.000+10:00

Sport is imposing order on what was chaos.
Anthony Starr

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for making it through to the final of the Superbowl in the USA. This was the team I supported when I used to follow the game closely in the late eighties and early nineties. I haven’t followed American football since I was in College (I shudder as I think how much time has passed since then). The gang in college that I hung around with always had a big party, involving Pizza, fried chicken and Alcohol whilst the game was on at some ungodly hour. It was Superbowl Sunday after all so that meant nobody was in any decent shape for lectures on Monday morning. I once got put on report for being asleep and still drunk.

American Footie is a looooong game. I sat through a live match at Wembley Stadium in 1986 when Denver Broncos and the Los Angeles Rams came to play. Four and a half fucking hours we stood (no seating in Wembley in the stands at that point). I was knackered by the time it was finished. I also remembered being shocked at how slight Eric Dickerson was without his padding…

Still the piss ups were great and you can see why the Americans like it so much. One mate of mine said Americans like American football because the game is an allegory for America: Violent, Long and impossible to understand. Sorry Bob D (You know I love you really)! Mind you, America wouldn't keep having people sniping at them if they stop doing things like this:

USS Ronald Reagan? For fucks sake!

Call the damn thing USS Endeavour, call it USS William Clinton but not after a man whose entire stint as president caused misery, degradation, war, death and cost taxpayers a fortune... hang on... Forget I said that. Its aptly named after all!

Yeeeeeessss!!!!! Come on you SPUUUUUURRRRS!!!

However, American footie is a cool game when you get the edited highlights and are drunk with friends: But it will never beat my beloved Football (Soccer: to the uneducated…). As we speak Tottenham Hotspur are fourth in the league and it’s great to be above Arsenal for once. Lets hope that trend continues to the end of the season. So lets raise a drink to the Spurs and that Sol ‘Hock-Spit’ Campbell gets the maiming he deserves.

Yes I am still bitter and very very twisted!

Sexy Junglists

2006-01-24T08:34:00.000+10:00

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Christmas was an exciting time for me in 2005 because for once I actually bought my wife a present she truly wanted. Don’t get me wrong I think they’ve all been appreciated but they haven’t all hit the mark! I haven't yet made the mistake of buying her an appliance: Thick as I am about relationships I'm not falling over that hurdle... One friend almost bought his wife a 'George Foreman Lean Mean grilling machine' but was wise enough to ask female friends about that... He was saved by their horror at the very idea... Even my wife hinted that to me years ago: Never Buy Your Partner Anything That Plugs In... unless its a 'Rabbit' (We'll go no further with this. ED)

The present I bought her was the entire first series of 'LOST' - which was especially satisfying: when I was in the electrical store drooling over the big screen televisions, she called me on my mobile and asked me where I was

Water and supplies? Sod that! We have to find a Chrissy present for Chris's wife!

'I'm in WOW sight and Sound looking for your Xmas present'
For some reason, she didn't sound impressed. 'You're buying me something from an electrical store?'
'Trust me – you will love it.'
'I doubt it.'
'Wait til Xmas day - you won't be eating Christmas lunch because you'll be too full eating your words and massive amount of humble pie...'

LOST is an excellent show and good to see that not all the actors in it were picturesque retards preening on screen with no acting skills whatsoever. It certain had my household hooked. We watched all 25 episodes in less than three days. Scandalous bit of butt-couch hugging but who cares. It was great. Xmas is for lounging around doing nothing especially when you don't actually do the Church thing... which I was roped into this year because my mother was in town. Ugh! Spare some time for the Lord but why can't the Catholic Church get with the times and start playing dance music... no wonder church numbers are down.

Another thing I had to do this year which I was not thrilled with was going to see the Christmas lights. It’s a tradition where many Aussies cover their homes with lights and nativity scenes in hope of winning a Radio sponsored prize. I've had to endure this fucking nonsense for the last two years and I was determined that I wasn't going to do it this year. So when my wife's friends declared that they were organising the visit - I made sure I was doing something else (butt-couch hugging actually) and didn't care who knew it - I've done my time in hell.

But since Mum arrived she seemed interested in seeing the mad bastards who spent all these hours dressing their houses up brighter than an airport runway. No escape for yours truly. Not even a massive amount of bitching and moaning could get me off the hook and so I endured this holiday freakshow for yet another year. Next year I'm making sure I wall myself into the basement so no fucker can find me... I'll wire up the video and a big screen TV and wait it out whilst watching the entire DVD boxed set of 'LOST 2'

Before breakfast...

2006-01-23T21:00:00.000+10:00

... be my dirty girl

WOW!

Dear Old Ladies

2006-01-23T11:22:00.000+10:00

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

I've just waved a farewell to my Mum who came to visit us from London. It was great to see her as Kerrin and I had some well needed time off. She got to see me perform at the Paddo Tavern and she was impressed. Cool!

We all drove from Brisbane to Port Macquarie and then onto the Blue Mountains in Katoomba and the Genolan Caves. Unfortunately couldn't see the Blue mountains because it was completely fogged in but managed to go to the cinema to see a film that had footage of the mountains and three sisters... How sad is that?

Gladly, the stereotypical setting of war between wife and mother-in-law didn't happen here as they like each other (great). I was blessed to have them both get on like a house on fire and then lock me firmly in it (not so great). Both women ganged up on me and I got nagged in Stereo... luckily my mother-in-law didn't appear otherwise it would have been nagging in Surround sound... Weep for me folks.

Despite all that I will miss her dearly and can't wait for July when we go and visit her. Treasure your mum people. Precious times!

Gorillaz in da midst

2006-01-23T10:19:00.000+10:00

Only sick music makes money today.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), Der Fall Wagner, Section 5

Oh Greeeeen woooorld... invading Chris' brain...

I cannot get the Gorillaz out of my head. Hardly surprising since the 'Demon Days' album has been on my MP3 player for the last two months. It still surprises me that some music that hits the 'pop' charts still catches my ear.

Up to the day I reached a teenager I haven't been massively into pop: I was this pretentious wanker that had to listen to stuff that was considered 'underground': when in truth it actually wasn't underground - just no bugger would buy it! So in the early eighties I was a huge 'electro rock' fan, then later on, hardcore hip hop and then strangely Heavy Metal (thank you Kevin G). Tell people you're into heavy metal and immediately cretins mention Bon Jovi: One day the police will find their bodies...

Speaking of MP3 players - or IPODs in this case - it has amused me to watch kids walking around sporting these expensively innovative little machines that are so distinctive by the fact that the ear-pieces and connecting wiring are white...

'Hello little boy - is that a brand new 60 gigabyte Ipod that stores fifteen thousand songs and cost your parents a small fortune.'

'Yes sir... why?'

'No reason... I'm about to teach your parents a very very expensive lesson!'

Gimme, gimme, gimme little man!!! Grrrr!

It is great that these micro machines have such wonderfully large storage capacities but why exactly would you need that much if you're not going on at least a six month back-packing holiday somewhere... Its not good as back up storage because carrying it around would probably result in the scenario above.

Who has that much music to store on it anyway?

I have about 400 CD's which I have accumulated over the last Eighteen years and because I was moving to Australia, we bought a laptop computer which has a storage capacity of 40GB. I uploaded all my CD's which meant I didn't have to cart my CD's to OZ. Storage on the laptop took up about 11 GB. As a gift I was given an MP3 player by my lovely colleagues at RBKC which has a storage of 256mg (Around 60 songs - 5 albums approx).

I need nothing else.

Obviously, we're talking status symbol stuff and I get that when you work for your money and need these pleasures but don't buy something like this for a thirteen year old. Thirteen years olds don't know shit! And besides... they may come across me sometime...

Richard Pryor

2005-12-12T10:54:00.000+10:00

If you haven't STOLEN anything from Richard Pryor then you haven't been doing stand-up right...
Arsenio Hall

This quote just goes to prove why Richard Pryor will always be remembered in comedy circles and Arsenio Hall won't. I fucking hate gag thieves... any who!

A Sad day was the 10th of December 2005 because Richard Pryor passed on aged 65. I think its safe to say that he was probably more surprised than anyone that he made it that far. I only hope he is more remembered for his enormous talent and comedic genius than his drug addiction and MS during the final 2 decades of his life.

Vote Nish... Or Else!

2005-12-08T13:08:00.000+10:00

Conundrum

2005-11-22T11:27:00.000+10:00

Oh I love my black people... but I hate Niggaz
Chris Rock

A friend of mine said he didn't object to the use of this word in rap lyrics because it meant that black people could now claim ownership of a word that was once derogatory...

Fuck's sake!!!

Why am I cursed to be on a planet where some of my own people are so fucking stupid? Ownership of the word 'Nigger'? What an interesting concept? Only my black people could possibly come up with something as ignorant as this.

Here is a short list of terms that that are extremely derogatory to the races being 'described':

'Paki' to describe all people on the subcontinent instead of just Pakistanis (Incidently Pakistanis don't like it either, in case you're wondering)

'Chinky' to decribe the Chinese

'Japs' the Japanese

'Gooks' The vietnamese...

'Honky' Caucasians

I could go on but I won't. Which one of these races out of the thousands on the planet is claiming these nasty words as a label (or worse... a term of endearment... Mercy)? Only one... I fucking weep for our future. In American the Hispanic community have overtaken the black community as the most populated community after the whites... Need I say anymore?

You don't see white people patting each other on the back saying 'What up... my honky?'

I'm gonna stop now cos i need to go and fucking lie down. A few of my friends were singing Kayne West's 'Gold digger' at a meeting on Sunday and I don't mind telling you it hurt when they started singing those lyrics.

'I ain't saying she's a Gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke niggers...'

A message to Kayne West and the whole of his genre. I would not weep if you were gunned down in a drive-by by your peers tomorrow. How am I supposed to defend this shit? Music is a thing to be enjoyed by all, so if you release this bullshit, then have hundreds of thousands of kids singing the word 'Nigger' in the streets - who is supposed to be telling them this is wrong when you've made it available to them world wide? There is this concept of free speech which has to be respected. But imagine the scene if a white kid has his MP3 player on and sings this song in an area full of Black people. Its the kids right to sing it, but also the black people's right to be pissed off and so we have a situation where riots have been started over much less.

I'm getting tired of this shit. Someday I may even come up with a solution, but I'd like to see all the current 'rap artists' (There's a fucking oxymoron if ever I heard one!) doing something more constructive to teach messages to our youths. 'Gold digger' ain't it. Sadly, this crap is at the top of the charts world wide.

Its a Gas man...

2005-11-16T13:12:00.000+10:00

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)

15th November 2005 – Log it in your diary folks. Cos that was when Christopher Daniel ran his fat ass around Celebration lawn (Celebration… there’s a fucking irony) in Roma St Parklands, Brisbane.

The last time I ran was for a train at Hounslow Rail Station and that was a morning occurrence seeing as I couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed on those cold cold mornings. Here in Australia I walk to work (around 25 minutes) in the sunshine and the bright sunlight comes through the windows at 5am, so the atmosphere is a bit different from the dark clouds and dark mornings in the UK.

I was speaking to my best mate Max in London on Sunday night/morning. Call started at 11.30pm (AEST) and ended round about an hour later. I hadn’t spoken to him in months and this was a brilliant time to catch up and find out how his gorgeous wife (Donna) and the kids are doing (Theodore is 15 now… hardly a kid). I miss them terribly but I didn’t realise how much until Kerrin told me how much more laughter came from me when I was speaking to Max and Donna on the phone… I think she’s referring to the fact that I haven’t created any deep friendships in Oz yet… Maybe not but I pointed out that I’ve known Max for the best part of 25 years… You don’t create friendships like that in just two years!

I also spoke to Jez and Helen Hedley-Smith who are expecting twins soon. Jez, myself, Kath Piper, Bob Duprey, Michelle Clarke, Les Serpant, Anne Louise, Steve Saise and a whole army of us used to attend Dance party weekends going crazy at the sounds of superstar DJs and trying to blag our way into clubs (unsuccessfully) because of my resemblance to DJ Carl Cox – Never works if you don’t have a load of records with you. I have a flag with ‘SPACE’ written on it! There is always a glow around me when I think of those weeks in Ibiza or the weekends and nights in a sweaty venue dancing our arses off… No way any of us are doing that now. We’re all domesticated and scattered but I’ll make my way back for a reunion soon.

So… I was Running… did any of you feel the Earth move? Luke Rooney runs the Revolution boot camp training and he’s not like the arseholes you see on TV with military training. He motivates you by making you do more because its important! He looks great without looking like a smug git. Most personal trainers aren’t able to manage that quality. Surprisingly enough I’ve made it to the next morning without feeling as if my insides are going to fall on the ground. I’m training again tomorrow.

Took a train to Roma St Parklands yesterday. It is my first train ride on this Fair Isle and the fuckers are almost deserted… Brisbane went through a series of hoax bomb threats on the trains last night and people are shitting it. The terrorists win again. It would be nice though if people had decided to walk to their destinations but no… The car comes out… not any car but a 4WD ‘oh look, my dick is bigger than yours’ WANKMOBILE. Is there really any point to these fucking things? They are huge AND designed to be driven OFF ROAD… did you hear that people… OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!!! Not in Brisbane city centre or any Urban conurbation that doesn’t have one motherfucking patch of TERRAIN that you could actually drive the FUCKING things on. WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING BRAINS? YOU PAID ALMOST SIXTY GRAND FOR A GAS GUZZLER THAT YOU DON’T EVEN USE FOR ITS ACTUAL INTENTION.

‘Oh oh but I’ve got to carry the shopping somehow.’ GET FUCKED!!!

WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING BRAINS?

To all people who own a 4WD and you are not a farmer or somebody who uses these vehicles legitimately - Do this: ATTACH A HOSE FROM THE HUGE EXHAUST (An exhaust attached to a huge engine that you don’t actually need to run these things but the petrol companies are in cahoots with the car companies and now they have access to your wallets: Can you digest the phrase – Massive profits for the Petroleum companies – you cretins) LET ME REPEAT – ATTACH A HOSE FROM THE HUGE EXHAUST TO YOUR MOUTHS AND KEEP SUCKING UNTIL YOU DIE… HORRIBLY!!! YOU WANKERS!!!!

What has this got to do with boot camp? Fuck Nothing! I just like venting and this shit has been on my mind for sometime NOW. Next rant: Women who ‘love’ too much… Take care of yourselves people… and each other…

Bang!

2005-11-15T09:17:00.000+10:00

Feminism is the radical concept that women are people.
Cheris Kramarae & Paula Treichler

I’ve been married for over three years and been out with a few women… not as many as I’d have liked but a few. This was due in no small part to a bad attitude and not wanting to play the game that mankind has indulged in for centuries… ye ol' cat and mouse!

The point? Even with my experience, I still know fuck all about women! What’s that you say Mr Warren Beatty…? Join the club, you say…

So I was at a show last Thursday and it went very well. I followed a Kiwi Maori called Jack Perry (Fantastic comedian – awesome delivery!) but between him and myself (Two black fellas) was the lightning fast raconteur MC called Paul Brasch (A White guy)… I used this situation to bring out an Oreo cookie joke… risky… very risky! Brought the house down! With the combination of Jack’s brilliant set and my opening gag… I could do no wrong. Even dealt with a heckler in fine style with a borrowed put down (They’re all borrowed) that I’m finally getting the confidence to use. Hopefully I won’t have to use ‘Fuck Off’ anymore!

The Point? Well – I came off stage and received my usual applause… (Daniel, you wanker! ED) and was outside the T-Bar speaking to my comrades-in-laughs when this girl took my hand and dragged me back inside.

‘You are Piss-funny…’ and so it went on. Conversation went from there and I proceeded to start entertaining this girl and her friend. This went on for the best part of twenty minutes.

Believe it or not – I’m not a vain bastard! Truly, I’m not but my head has been getting slighty large of late and that needs to stop. I’m not a vain bastard but I know when I’m being chatted up and as soon as the alarm bells start to sound - out comes the big guns: My wife gets mentioned! This didn’t seem to be a deterrent and now… I was in waters that I hadn’t been in before… She didn’t give a fuck! I’ve written many short stories involving this very situation but I’d only been in there once before and that still makes me boil…

I’ll digress for a bit – I was in England and I’d fancied this woman I worked with… (lets call her Beryl) for a while and I’d made it quite clear that I was interested in her. The resistance I got would have put the French to shame but that is life! She didn’t want me and that was the end of that. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try again and I did. Still got fuck all! Months went by and I’d given up and we went into that ‘no-man’s-land’ called Friendship (Pshaw!).

This was 2001 and then in September I met Kerrin. I was a very happy man too… (We’re married now so you probably guessed that!)

Kerrin had been travelling around Europe when we met and the next leg of her tour was Italy. I said goodbye to her for a while and promised to keep in touch whilst she was away.

At work, some friends and I arranged to go to a place near Bond Street, called Corks – this place had a good atmosphere when the kids weren’t allowed in but on quiet nights they managed to get passed the not-very discerning bouncers… Included in the work-mate squad was Beryl… my friend. I was at the bar getting drinks when I asked her what she wanted to drink and then we struck up a conversation. We spoke for hours (as friends do) and the subject of Kerrin came up… Just at the mention of her name I felt a glow and launched into dialogue all about her… This bored Beryl who immediately suggested that we should get out of this noisy dungeon and go back to her place… I must have been feeling particular drunk and stupid that night because I said… ‘What for?’

????????????

Ms Right now!!! They're everywhere except when I needed them most... in my twenties

She clarified it for me just in case I didn’t get it the first time. I was furious! What is it with some women? When I’ve got no one and the best I can hope for is Mandy Hand-Grip, suddenly sex is available everywhere (A slight exaggeration but you get the gist). I turned Beryl down and with my best poker face bid her farewell. Unfair and devious: But God I wanted to give her one…

Back in 2005 and Nish came to my rescue with these two girls whereby I continued the chat for a few more minutes to get him started whilst making it known that my wife was waiting (She was in Canberra for a meeting). As soon as I made my escape I tried to call Kerrin but my phone battery was dead. I went to the Bottle Shop and bought 4 bottles of Smirnoff Black and went home to watch the Law and Order marathon on Foxtel. Slept on the couch till five in the morning which is Ironic because that is probably where I would have ended up if I’d done the nasty…?

The next day, I went to pick up Kerrin from the Airport and we exchanged stories. I told her about the night before expecting her to laugh and she got the shits!!!

I KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FEMALES. HEEEEEEELLLLLP MEEEEEEE...

(Please excuse the termination of this blog entry we are experiencing technical difficulties)

Final Cougar Bourbon - Paddo Tavern

2005-10-27T12:03:00.000+10:00

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
Edmund Gwenn (Actor)

-
26th October 2005
MC: Andrew Nason
Nish - Explosives expert
Mark Gladman
Stephen La Macchia – Big Pimper
June Hordern – Vulture watcher
Sean Baxter – Director of Star Wars (Unabridged version)
-
Chris Daniel – A really big thing!
David Wilson – Gift giver
Josh Thomas – The Sunday man for his girlfriend
James O’Connell – Porno boy
Linda Grasso – A damn bad cook but A damn good root…
Jack Perry – Aussie eating Maori
-
Bart Freebairn – Mountain lover
Jason Robins – Butcher baiter
Phil Parkinson – Mad teacher
Darren Brinkworth – Swims with Sharks

Interesting line up for this final: Conspicuous by the absence of Matt Okine…

So I cut woodwork class again. At this rate the only bloody thing I’ve learnt is how not to cut my fingers off with a buzzsaw… Not even sure about that!

It was a packed house at the Paddo and as I moved amongst the table I could tell that this crowd were buzzing. For a school night they were in the mood to give their lurve and have it returned in spades…

With a couple of exceptions, most of the guys on this list have been doing this for a while and the real class showed tonight. It really showed! Fifteen comedians is a lot for an audience to deal with but you won’t find me complaining since I scraped into this final on a wild card!

Nish started the night. To say he was excellent would be just insulting. There’s a fire in his eyes after his recent FHM state triumph. The Grand final competition in Sydney has changed him. I’ve never seen such a relaxed and confident performance come from him which is why I can say this now… I first saw Nish last July at Stones Corner. It was my first visit there where a number of comics came on stage and gave what they had. Out of the ten acts I saw on that night – I’ve only seen three again: Nish, Matt Marr and Steven J Whitely. Nish was doing impressions of other comics stuff and although his mimicry was impressive – he wasn’t a good showman… What a difference a year makes? Some might read this blog and ask – What the fuck do you know? My answer… I know what makes me laugh!

Nish finished his performance and left the stage. The audience were still laughing during the cheers and applause… as I said in my semi final blog: I wanted to play in this final because I wanted to be among the best… looks like I got my wish!

I hit the stage just after the first break and felt fantastic. My renewed faith in my material and my belief that my performance was improving. Looks like that break I took was the best thing I ever did. I’ve worked out that by January 12th 2006 – My official comedy anniversary I will have performed in excess of 100 gigs (God willing!). That was my target but I didn’t think I would reach it. I also mentioned in my last blog that I was a bit of an ego maniac and that is why I do stand up comedy… That’s only part of it. I fucking love this life. I love Stand Up comedy. I love watching the talented bastards that I cross paths with. I love the fact that I can be driving a Tarago for a couple of thousand kilometres with five mental cases and loving every word that comes out of their mouths. I love the advice I’m given that I regularly transfer to my life and most of all I love my wife who supports me in this madness and tells me the truth when I’m shit! The ego mania accounts for 5%. That ratio may change without notice.

Enough about me I was talking about the show wasn’t I?

David Wilson did Robert’s course the same time as myself and we’ve been improving together - except that David is prolific as a gag writer. He just keeps churning up new stuff all the time and I can’t understand where he gets the time. Very busy professional life and a family… I’ve gotta organise myself better I think. Dave hit the stage – I missed his opening gag because I was telling some stupid bastard to shut up because they were talking loudly – Whatever that gag was – the audience roared with laughter and that set the tone for the rest of his act. The delivery was great and the jokes flowed well, by the time he came off it was the judges turn to start shitting themselves. Seven acts so far and it was difficult to separate at least four of them…

Linda Grasso (my favourite Italian firebrand) kicked ass. She’s about five foot tall but you’d swear she was bigger due to stage presence. We need more female comedians and she’s filling her space very well…

By the time Bart Freebairn hit the stage with his form of madness I was laughed out… I’ve seen all these guys a few times now and the jokes were still funny. There’s nobody like Bart on the circuit. No one – I can’t explain it either, you just have to see him. We’re all different in our own way on stage but Bart has people loving him for reasons you can’t explain. Very spiritual guy off stage and that translates to his stage act. I’m in awe. Bart was considering jacking competitions in before the show but wasn’t sure – I hoped not because we’d miss him!

The acts finished and the audience were exhausted. Theories flew around as to who may have won but the comedians weren’t having any of it. We’d all worked really hard to get here and we just enjoyed each other’s company. I relaxed with a Passion Fruit Bacardi breezer: they’d run out of Pineapple…

Andrew Nason began his final act as the judges toted up the final tally. His endless stream of gags and stories are funnier every time you hear them. Then Emma Duff began her walk from the judges table to the stage. Only the comedians spotted it.

In my opinion there would have been at least seven comedians who would have deserved 1st place tonight and the only thing separating them would have been the judges preferences.

Third place: Josh Thomas.
Second Place: David Wilson
First Place: Bart Freebairn

Bart’s name being called as the winner nearly brought the house down from the Audience and the comedians alike. It was a popular decision for a man that everybody liked. I know nobody who dislikes El Barto! Good on ya mate. See you at the Gold Coast on Friday and bring those Cougar Rums with ya…

Roll on next year folks.

Man... it was THIS big!!!

2005-10-25T13:34:00.000+10:00

Stella, Carmel, Jessie and Me...

When I say something is big - do not doubt my words...

Chasing the dream...

2005-10-21T15:57:00.000+10:00

‘All you need to know is that the further you go along in your career is that Comedy competitions don’t mean a thing – its all about getting stage time and getting better… The best I ever did in a comedy comp was sixth!’

Fred Lang...

(Frankly – One of the best comedians in Australia… if not the world)

Cougar Rum

MC: Fred Lang

Stephen La Macchia

Claire Pearson

Garth Remmington

Samantha Backman

Sean Baxter

James O’Connoll

Linda Grasso

Chris Daniel

Mike Shanahan

Brett Matthews

Jenny Wynter

As usual I entered the Paddo with trepidation. For me it’s a big deal – to me it’s the biggest beating heart of Queensland Comedy and to enter that stage makes me feel as if I have to earn my rights to be there. I think I have but it still makes me nervous. More nervous than any club I’ve played in Queensland…

I’ve started taking up woodwork classes for beginners… I’m fucking useless at building stuff but I’ve not been completely horrendous at the basic stuff and when you’re shown the correct way to wield the tools you can become quite proficient at the job in hand… reminds me of a lovely older darling I once dated…

Since the semi-final was on this night I had to ditch the class half way through to make sure I was at the Paddo for 7.30 for ‘call time’. Instant disqualification if you don’t make it… although I’ve seen people rock up at 7.55 without any fear whatsoever…

Again I made a scan for the comedians performing that night: Top quality but certainly not out of my reach. The only person I really feared was Sean Baxter. As a performer he is truly amazing and I feel that with practise I can get to the standard he is at now… however, by the time I get there he will be far beyond me still… bastard!

All the other names on the list I could beat on a good day, the case was also vice versa… Point being, you couldn’t be less than your best with this company… Stephen La Macchia was first. (Formally Steve Elle) For a change I wasn’t in that position and pleased about it. It didn’t seem to make much difference to Steve – he performed brilliantly and I takes my hat offs to the young gentlemen.

By the time I got on stage at number six I was doing my usual jelly impersonation until I hit the stage and shook the hand of the formidable Mr Lang. From the moment I picked up the microphone I felt perfect. From Wendall Sailor onwards nothing could go wrong, there was no doubts, no stumbles, all my gags fell into place, even the new unpractised refinements I’d written that very day went down a storm… When I left the stage there was nothing I could have done differently. If I didn’t get through it was for one reason only… I wasn’t good enough. I truly believed that I did the best that I possibly could. Kerrin even confirmed it as I made my way back to her. As usual I sighed relief and was glad that it was over again...

Stand up comedy is a strange beast. I never thought for a second that I could be an ego maniac… but frankly – I am!

Why else would we do this? 20 mins of shitting yourself for 5-10 mins on stage to get people laughing… Why do this otherwise? I’m at least thankful that people are laughing… I wonder what goes through the minds of the comedians who suck!

Thankfully none of the eleven would find that out tonight.

Jenny Wynter closed the show with a superb song created especially to show the true meaning of the Australian (Pop) Idol winner… Not Angels brought me here but ‘Network television put me here’

Then came the agonising waiting period – It was only five – ten minutes but it was still five or ten minutes of comedians cracking gags to hide the tension. What I did love about this Semi final was the fact that there were four female comedians in this round. We need more females in the industry…

Fred finished up and announced the winners. He looked out onto the crowd and said with conviction that he felt that it was seriously unfair that only four were going through to the next round.

The qualifiers: Linda Grasso, Stephen La Macchia and James O’Connoll: So I wasn’t in the qualifiers… I held onto a wafer thin hope that maybe I’d won the heat… then I caught sight of Sean Baxter to my left and the wafer evaporated. Sure enough… his name was called as the winner… How could I have forgotten him?

I genuinely felt satisfied that I’d done my very best and despite Fred’s inspiring quote – I was a little sad that I hadn’t made it to the finals. Nothing to do with the competition: I wanted to play amongst the best and improve as a result of doing so. You only get match fit when your opponents are better than you are… Gives you the motivation to give chase!

As it happens my email box contained a message from Fedele the next day. There was a wild card place going and I had been chosen to fill it… That Thursday, the clouds were gathered in the sky, but I was still smiling.

Ugh here poo guyargahey. Man get me a bucket!

2005-10-14T22:28:00.000+10:00

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)
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ONe shou'ld asks the question: Should one blogs when one is drunk? Don't know the answer.

Anothedr day in paradise. The missis is in Sydney on a trip and I miss her. Sitting here getting drunker on Strawberry Champagne and looking out onto the world from my balcony. I'm vaguely aware that the mosquitoes are nibbling my bits - good to know that I can contribute to the insect populations free booze.

Aussies have been bitching about hot it is and I'm now spending my third Brisbane summer having fun in it. Still haven't found the hat I need but know it won't be far off. Had a tetnous (sp?) spike from the quack yesterday (a precaution because of Olivia's doggie taking a chunk out of my thigh) and was pleased to find that the injection was going into my shoulder instead of my arse! The last time I had a mutt take a bit out of me I was fifteen and some gorgeous nurse prepared a javelin with fluid on the end... I won't need one until I'm fifty then that's it for the rest of my life. Lets hope I make it to fifty, eh?

Signed up for a course of fitness classes today with Luke. Its a month of Bootcamp typte training that seems to based off the biggest loser program. Anything to get me motivated. I seriously need to shed some tonnage. I got a 2-4-1 deal with means I've enlisted Kerrin... She doesn't know yet: look out for my bollocks heading towards bobbittsville very soon!

Who moved my cheese?

2005-10-13T15:12:00.000+10:00

My prerogative right now is to just chill and let all the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly (magazine) be your entertainment.

Britney Spears (1981 - Hopefully soon)

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This place becomes more fascinating and disturbing as time goes on. So there I was walking through Coles (Think Sainsbury’s and Tescos without the ability to sell booze) and entering the dairy section only to find something on special in the cheese range called ‘Coon’ cheese…

I don't know what to say either...

I don’t care low the prices on that fucker gets… You won’t be finding it in my fridge anytime soon. Unbelievable?

Tinkling the ivories

2005-10-11T23:23:00.000+10:00

A woman is just a woman... but you can build things with wood.

Mort the lumberman

I just don't know what to say. I got bitten by a dog today. It pretended to be ready for a stroke then it launched itself at me. Ain't that always the way boys...

Here's something that has managed to astonish me... Click here and wait for the download.

I'm wrapped...

2005-10-10T18:51:00.000+10:00

George Bush doesn't care about black people!

Kayne West

Its no secret that my love affair with Rap music ended a long time ago. The voice of a social conscience that was the main protagonist that starred and sparred with our brains finally lost its life when dickheads like Tupac Shakur and Notorious BIG ended up dying so bloody stupidly. Wannabe gangsters and chain wearing, chain-smokin' pricks with far too much time on their hands now rule the roost wearing pimp suits: Thanks Snoop - you and your ilk may think its a joke but Pimps and their bitches represent some of the worst problems in your former neighbourhoods. The misogyny you all produce in your recordings and videos earn you money but leave a generation worshipping your act and wanting it to form a basis for their identity. I hope you rot in hell! Or worse - you never have another hit single...

With that outburst out of the way I'm very pleased to hear something like this. This is a remix of Kayne West's 'Gold-digger' - At last. Maybe we're at the start of something beautiful... I fucking doubt it though...

The Legendary K'O: Grand!!!

Little Fish (2005): A Review

2005-10-09T01:49:00.000+10:00

Plot Outline:

Set in the Little Saigon district outside of Sydney, a woman (Blanchett) trying to escape her past becomes embroiled in a drug deal.

Credited cast:
Cate Blanchett - Tracy Heart
Sam Neill - Brad/The Jockey
Hugo Weaving - Lionel
Martin Henderson - Ray
Noni Hazlehurst - Janelle
Dustin Nguyen - Jonny

Plot Outline and Cast curtesy of IMDB.com

One word describes this film: Depressing! That is not to say that I didn't like it. My major criticism is that I felt the film was too long and a good 20 - 30 minutes could have been shaved off without the objective being affected.

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That said, the entire cast were obviously having a 'who's the best actor competition' because the entire cast were outstanding. Cate Blanchett as the ex-heroin addict trying to get her life together and having a daily reminder that she's never far from her past is wonderful to watch (so what else is new Cate?). Her relationship with the legendary but fallen from grace ex-football star Lionel is obviously complex due to their shared addiction and Paternal values.
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(Lionel is played with extraordinary depth by Hugo Weaving - still cocky from starring in six of the most financially successful films of the 20th and 21st Century - Matrix and Lord of the Rings trilogies) .

Ray, her brother (Martin Henderson) and Jonny (Dustin Nguyen), her ex-lover and drug partner who left her in the lurch for a new life add to the web that could ultimately lead to their entire destruction.

This is not an easy film to digest. Be prepared to accept that the journey holds no happy-ever- after in the conventional sense and that these people's lives are grim. Grim from the pressures of the inner city and the people in it who would happily destroy you without a second thought. It tells you a story of a past that nobody will forgive and as we delve further into the 21st Century, everything we do is recorded and not always for the greater good. The ideal to get ahead can be taken away before you even spring into action.

The actors make this film. Anybody lesser than the chosen cast would show up the weak story but with the strong cast we have characters that show all their dimensions.

Marks 4/5

Titanic (1997): A Review

2005-10-09T01:48:00.000+10:00

Plot Outline:

A treasure hunter finds a diamond in the ruins of the Titanic. He finds a painting of a beautiful woman wearing the diamond which connects him with Rose Dawson: an old woman claiming to be the woman in the paint. She tells her story, about the sinking of the Titanic. She tells how she was a 17 year old girl (Winslet), and how she fall in love with a poor man named Jack Dawson (DiCaprio). She describes, in flashback, her journey from Southampton to New York, the time she spent aboard the "unsinkable ship", and the last hours of the Titanic.

Cast
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jack Dawson
Kate Winslet - Rose Dewitt Bukater
Billy Zane - Cal Hockley
Kathy Bates - Molly Brown
Frances Fisher - Ruth Dewitt Bukater

Plot Outline and Cast curtesy of IMDB.com

Jesus Wept! James Cameron what were you thinking? This piece of shit is the worst movie I have ever seen. Ever!

Two good bits of this film? Kate Winslets tit's and Leonardo DiCaprio's blue dead face floating by at the end!

Avoid! Rat shit on toast! A movie for the mindless. Frankly, this is what you get when you're horny and let your date choose the film you're both going to see. Let that be a lesson to you.

0/5 (R U Surprised?)

Congrats to Jez and Helen Hedley-Smith

2005-10-08T01:45:00.000+10:00

On the announcement that they are with child... Twins no less... Those are going to be two gorgeous kids... We love you all

Jez and Helen: Almost as gorgeous as me...

Sing Halleluiah!

2005-10-06T15:06:00.000+10:00

A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight.

Robertson Davies

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The renovations have finally started on our gorgeous but neglected house. The master in charge of the building work is a thorough and caring carpenter called Uthal. Another ex-pat but from Germany who seems to have contentment with life that is linked with his faith (He’s a Hari Krisna). What is most refreshing about this man is that he hasn’t mentioned his faith once. He seems to be under the belief that it’s his own business. Halleluiah!!!

Its good having the builders in because these guys arrive early. They start at 7am on the dot and all their hammering on the roof means that not even Chris ‘Sleep of the dead’ Daniel is staying asleep. That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried!

The roof is nearly finished. They’ve completely cleaned out the inside (15 bags of Straw (????), old rubbish, animal carcasses and dirt – accumulated by possums, birds and god knows what over the last 80 years) and its only taken 2 weeks – No mean feat when you think that they’ve been working in 35 degree heat (He has an assistant called Martin). They wear these hats for protection that look hilarious. Think Bee-keeper hats without the nets…

I’ve been searching for a hat to wear that will protect me from the sun. I want one that is not too oppressive and also will not make me look stupid… I fear I’m on an endless quest. The closest I’ve got so far is a Stetson… This was given to me by Valley’s RFC after that fantastic gig a few months ago. The hat succeeds on all its duties except the looking stupid part.

In Ibiza a few years back my pal Richard took to wearing one and he looked like the gayest man in the village. He took exception to that but still kept wearing the hat. My current one only looks slightly butch because it has ‘XXXX supports the Broncos’ stencilled on it… It’s a close call ladies and gentlemen… a fucking close call. The only bastards who look cool in a cowboy hat are Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef in the dollar trilogy. Don’t anyone dare mention that old fraud John ‘Thankfully dead – Rot in hell you racist fuck’ Wayne (Don’t call me Marion! Marion – Real tough guy – I don’t think).

I dunno – the shit I go through. I love the Brisbane Sun but its drying my face out like a prune. Any ideas? I’d be much obliged… No I won't be growing an afro...

Well then, why don't you get yer friggin feet off the stage...

2005-10-05T15:03:00.000+10:00

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.
Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

I’m a bit happy today because my comedy career has taken a small step upwards. Mike Van Acker is an up and coming promoter who has several rooms around Brisbane and he has been very good to me. Last Friday he asked me to play a gig for him at a place called Greenbank RSL (Return Services League). The first time he saw me perform was at a place that Fedele ran called ‘The Pig and Whistle’ (sadly no longer has comedy – a great room that I killed in every time!) and Mike was MC. He told me that he liked my act and my ego swelled. Mike’s a bloody good comedian and coming from him I was a bit chuffed.

Mike Van Acker - A comedy mastermind

The gig at Greenbank was a paid gig ($60.00 better than a punch in the face thank-you-very-much) and as I awoke on the Saturday morning of the gig I was feeling chuffed that I was being paid to do something I liked. I walked to the bathroom and looked into the mirror and then started to recite one of my gags as practice… What happened next brought next doors dog onto its hind legs. The squawks and squeals I produced were reminiscent of the week my voice broke. I couldn’t believe it: My first paid gig by an actual promoter and this was happening. Somebody upstairs was having several laughs at my verbal expense.

The next hour was spent rushing around the chemists of Woolloongabba trying to secure lotions and potions to cure my vocals. I was desperately hoping I wouldn’t have to go to the Voo-doo woman in Crown Street…

Much fretting, gargling and coughing ensured my pain for the next few hours until gig time. I had 65% vocal pitch and I thought fuck it! Nothing I can do. My comedic heroine Lady Julia had this illness that made her sound like Death’s assistant when I played her stage in March and she battled through and was terrific! It was my turn.

Mike was amazingly supportive. ‘Don’t worry mate! They’re gonna love ya! Just have fun with it.’

Greenbank were a lovely crowd. They just wanted to play and I let some of them go. The show went well and I came off feeling good about myself. The break I had been taking was working already and I have renewed faith in my material. The new stuff I’m learning is going to be equally great if not better and if it isn’t then I’m going to make it work.

I think I’m on a roll because Fedele called me yesterday saying that he’d heard I had a good show at Greenbank and then he offered me a paid gig at Xmas… he’s been amazingly supportive as well. Who said Showbizness was bitchy. So far I haven’t seen any of it… but then again – I’m not earning thousands of dollars a show!

Congrats to Steve and Clare Cunningham

2005-10-02T01:38:00.000+10:00

On the birth of their baby Son Alex

Blow it out yer ass

2005-09-29T18:29:00.000+10:00

'When you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive!'

Henry Rollins

Sony to put porn on new portable system:

Don't know if this is true and don't care. Made me laugh and I needed it on a shit day like this. Ever wonder how the people who shit on you from a great height can still look you in the face and still say g'day? Fuck this life sometimes. Still - you gotta keep on going and prove you're better than they are. Much much better than they are. Check this article out - Sony Porn

Aaaargh me hearties I grabbed a hearty bit o' booty! Aaaargh!

Also got a parking ticket. All parking inspectors should be shot on sight. These people are the terrorists of all urban civilisations. Should they be impailed with chopsticks and broken bottles I will not shed a tear... Bastards! fifty fucking bucks down the fucking drain...

On the bright side - Blazing Saddles was on last night and I'm now watching the recording on DVD. Madeline Kahn (Would have been her birthday today!) and Cleavon Little you are both much missed.

'She was all the goddess of desire - set men on fire, I have this power...

Morning noon and night its dwink and dancing... some 'kwik' womancing... and then a shower' Lili Von Schtupp

'...The bitch was inventing the Candy gram and I bet they won't even give me credit for it' Sheriff Bart

A bloody classic. Never will a fart scene be bettered. Thank you Mr Brooks.

Older

2005-09-26T12:38:00.000+10:00

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been.
Madeleine L'Engle

…And I fucking felt it on Friday night.

I’ve never considered myself a party animal but I’ve always been fun! I’ll wisecrack, get wasted without chucking up on the shag-pile (except that one time but I didn’t piss in the pot plant I swear). I’ve been out on the lash with loads of mates in various cities around the world. My life pre-marriage was a bit of a mad time… including my seven year obsession with that divine Balearic institution known as Ibiza ('beefa' to its friends – of which I am one of legion. All Hail The Terrace @ Space)

Now I’m in Australia and one of my work-mates was leaving to go elsewhere so we had the obligatory send off for her (good luck Narelle). We went to a bar called the Lychee Lounge in Brisbane’s ‘trendy’ West End (trendy being lots of white guys with dreadlocks and girls wearing retro hippy gear). My friend Tarb works here several nights of the week but unfortunately wasn’t here tonight. Tarb is massive amounts of fun! As is me being surrounded by all my workmates who happen to be all women! All I needed was a pimp’s hat and I would have been set. I also got chatted up in the bar by a woman who recognised me from one of my gigs… EGO BOOSTER! The last time I got chatted up was exactly a year ago in the Treasury casino in the city… My wife still laughs at me because I shit it! Well what was I supposed to do – Well this time I composed myself and just had a laugh with it: Where was this confidence fifteen years ago?

At the Lychee: Three large Passionfruit vodka’s and a couple of Cascade Premium beers later and we all made our way down the street to get some tuck at the Vietnamese Restaurant on Edmondstone Street. Pleasant enough. Kerrin was supposed to come but she couldn’t make it as the poor chook has been shattered from working. These high-powered executives, eh?

Dinner finished and we said our goodbyes but a small group of us Myself and two females (Nat and Leisa) met up with some other colleagues from a different department where the beers flowed nicely at the Melbourne Hotel. This was more my speed as things started getting loud and boisterous. This was fun.

Nat suggested we go into town to continue drinking which received the full backing of the entire group. Brisbane isn’t my home town so I left the decision of the venue up to the locals. So we all ended up going to an ‘establishment’ called ‘The Adrenaline bar’…

Do you ever watch the television commercials that ‘hint’ that the men’s aftershave they are advertising will get you laid… It’s bollocks! The advertisers know it and we know it but we still buy the shit! That’s the Adrenaline Bar! (TAB)

Still convinced?

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I’ve been to cattle markets before and almost always walked out in disgust - but at TAB I decided to give it a go. I’ll set the scene. TAB is a ‘Sports’ bar: Lots of TV screens showing sports from around the globe - That’s where the connection to sport actually ends. They have what they laughably call a dance floor. Above this is a massive projector screen pumping out pop tunes on DVD. I should have realised that things were going to be shit when Justin Timberlake appeared on a giant screen…

Justin Timberlake: Just Shit!

Hey, you have to give things a chance – and at 36 years of age I didn’t wanna come across as being an old wanker – so I kept my mouth shut. One of our party called Dallas, who is much younger than I am, echoed what was screaming at my cerebrum…

Make some fuckin noize!!!

‘This is shit – I’m not staying!’ I should have followed. I stayed. In the distance I spied… pool tables. When had these items ever mixed with a dance floor? Hey – new country, new attitude right?

I got a drink and sat down with my compardres. I looked out onto the dance floor and nearly died with laughter…

There is a saying. White people can’t dance...

Having been to some of the best dance venues all over Europe I have to say that that is no longer true. The kids of the late 80’s and 90’s have grown up with black music and the jungle rhythms are now in their blood… Somebody forgot to tell the kids in this hole that was the Adrenaline bar. I would never suggest that this was an Australian trait because on the night before I got married over three years ago I went to a club called ‘Family’ in Fortitude Valley, Brisbane with Jez Hedley-Smith and Helen D’Arch (Now Mrs Hedley-Smith – She caught the bouquet at my wedding…) and the kids in this club knew how to party and we all buzzed off each other…

Back to TAB: I’ve never seen such a stiff bunch in my life. It was all so damn soulless – I wanted to get up to the DJ stand and shoot the fucking lot of them. (No DJ – Just pre-recorded DVD – Why was I not surprised?) Then I realised something. This is no longer my time. I don’t have a right to demand that they do things a certain way. Technically I was old enough to be some of these people’s father…

30 seconds later I made my way home. I cuddled up with Kerrin and soon fell asleep. This was my time. I was older but I wasn’t dead.
Chris, Jez and Bob
Today I mentioned my experience to Emma C who suggested that maybe it was the same when I was growing up but I just remember it differently. Nah! I lived in London when I was growing up and I remember one day walking out of a pub at 11pm shouting in disgust that I was sick of this city because everything shuts too early: A man with a shaven head and a gold ear-ring looked at me and smiled.

Cool Yul!
‘Mate! You just don’t know where to go…’ he tapped the side of his nose and strolled off. The next thirteen years were the best of my life as a result. I even shaved my head and got an ear-ring as a tribute…

DJ Lisa Pin-Up: Freedom @ Bagleys: My Liberation. Darling you have my undying gratitude...

I thought about Emma’s comment: I think many people in many different places are having a stunning time as I type this and having a better time than I could ever imagine… but I don’t believe these people are in any place that resemble ‘The Adrenaline Bar’ in Brisbane…

Stoned?

2005-09-23T16:17:00.000+10:00

I’m knackered man! Oh don’t get me wrong I haven’t had a hard day or anything its just this short walk onto the stage that’s fucked me…
Chris Daniel
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Yesterday I played Stone’s Corner. This is the first place that I faced an ‘unsympathetic’ crowd who paid nothing to get into the venue January 13th 2005. I’ve had two bad gigs out of 16 appearances here. It is a lovely venue as most of the patrons although they have no emotional/financial investment they do laugh if you have genuinely funny jokes and will call you on your motives if your jokes are too near the knuckle (scisms!). I’ve shone here many times even when the crowd has been tired which puzzles me as to my behaviour last night.

The opening quote of this blog was also my opening gag because I truly was knackered last night and proved to be my act’s setting for the whole time I was on stage. I was so laid back that I could have told my stories from a bed. I decided to try a new avenue in my dozed state. When somebody is being boisterous or talking when I’m in the stage I usually crack a gag about how loud he’s being: Its always a he – women are far more respectful and if they talk its always to the comedian – however unwelcome that may be…)

Tonight was different. Andrew Nason was keeping the crowd cool and was engaging with a man who referred to himself as ‘Horny’. I was first on stage and began my routine. However Horny guy was constantly talking to his friends who were clearly trying to listen. I snapped.

‘Oi! Horny Guy! Shut the fuck up!’

I’ll admit that the routine lost its momentum then and I had to work hard to pick it up. But the curious thing was… it didn’t worry me. I was still giving it comedy from the confines of my imaginary bed. I even slipped in a few improve bits.

One rude prick in the audience had obviously seen my act and decided to give one of the punch lines away by yelling it out just before I did. I had three possible put downs ready but I just couldn’t be arsed – That was a crime! Hecklers need to be destroyed by the comedian and that was the downfall of being too relaxed on stage. I finished up the act and left the stage.

Then I went home and tucked into a Madras. Fuck me it was good. My last madras was at my first performance at Stones…

Here’s an interesting site. Circle Jerk. See you all soon

Fear and loathing in Musgrave Park

2005-09-21T08:40:00.000+10:00

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

Musgrave Park is virtually a spit from where I work. It’s a great place to chill out or catch a few ‘z’s’ at lunch time. It’s a normal park which has dips at the edges to give the effect of a large bowl. On top of the dips are lots of trees. Events are held there like NAIDOC festival (Aboriginal annual party) and Paniyiri (Greek festival)

On normal days you can eat there, shade under the trees from the Hot Brisbane sun, read a book (reading a book? So Retro, darling!)… Watch the locals play cricket or AFL (Australian Rules Football – Organised chaos! Yeah I know - Oxymoron – watch the game and you’ll know what I’m talking about). The gist you get (Yoda - Jedi I am now!!!)

Most days I am there in the middle of the park with a toy microphone trying to learn new jokes or practising my regular ones to nobody in particular: You should see the looks on people’s faces as I perform for myself. People walking their dogs in the park look at me once and shit themselves for the nano-second that they make eye contact with the loony man talking to himself. It’s a hoot. Small pleasures… small pleasures.

Most of the time the park is virtually empty: My colleagues don’t regularly utilise its beauty for one simple reason…

Musgrave Park usually has members of the Aboriginal Community sitting by the corner having a smoke and a drink (Cnr of Edmondstone and Russell Sts). When people pass, one of the Aboriginals will more than likely ask for a ‘donation’! Instead of saying no – which is what I say to most people begging, which ever side of the planet I’m on - most people feel obliged to put their hands in their pockets. Most of these people are white… It’s a guilt thing for the oppression of these people: I watch it with pure fascination. It seems like a good thing but frankly it doesn’t help.

Some background: The Indigenous Aboriginal people have Poor health, life expectancy well below any other ethnic group in this country and alcoholism and drug taking are at disgraceful levels. The ones who can't afford drugs turn to chemicals like petrol or meths. In their communities throughout Australia there are tales where shop keepers keep bottles of Meths in their fridge for sale...

Most of my colleagues make a joke about my daily appearance in the park. “Oh yeah, its easy for you – you can go anytime and blend in…’

‘You think? Hey waste your life in fear if you want…’

People may think that it's easier because I’m a black man and they could be right: but still I think fear is fear. I lived in London for 34 years under terrorist acts by the IRA but the day after a bomb went off I went about my business like all other Brits. That's not to say that we didn't shit ourselves too but there was that underlying energy that demanded that we 'get on with it'.

In Britain there was once a threat that a hate crime nail bomber was going to let off a big bomb in a highly populated Asian (Indian, Bangladeshi, Sikh etc community). I lived in Southall which was hugely populated with such communities: That weekend I went out to the fruit market as was my routine to find that Southall was virtually empty. Everybody stayed home. Me? I got dirt cheap fruit, veg and meat from the market and perversely wished for a nail bomb threat every week… Those muthafuckers weren’t keeping me stuck in my home. When your number’s up… It’s up!

Now in Australia the government has spread a campaign called ‘Be Alert not alarmed’ Good philosophy, except with a message like that everybody has become alarmed just by default.

In Musgrave Park...
“Oh yeah, its easy for you – you can go anytime and blend in…’

Blend in? Blend because YOU want to!

Obviously all that ‘You all look the same mentality.’ Is still out there. This isn’t a racist thing btw, its just complete unawareness by White Australians that an Aboriginal can spot that I am not Aboriginal and could never be confused by the Aboriginals as such which is why when ever I go into Musgrave Park at lunch time I always get asked for money. I either say yes or no and then settle down and relax under a tree. Most times somebody will just come up to me for a chat but that’s about it. No hassles. The more enlightened White Australians feel exactly the same way and a smattering will visit the park and enjoy its serenity but most won’t go near it. Their loss.

It’s a real shame but on a selfish level I like having that big ol’ green virtually to myself.

A message to the entire planet outside of the USA.

2005-09-18T22:37:00.000+10:00

The Public wants what the public gets but I don’t give a… what Society wants I’m going underground.
The Jam
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New Orleans has happened.

The place is flooded and infested with disease due to infected putrid water and dead, decomposing bodies lying disgracefully discarded on the open street. Women and children are starving and drowning in excretia and the media are misrepresenting the afflicted due to orders from on high: Black people looting food shops but white people search desperately for food in shops... Hmmn! Neither are paying but there is obviously a clear difference in the American media's eyes - Shame on you Amerikkkan media!

The majority of the affected are African-American civilians: If they didn’t know that AmeriKKKa doesn’t care about them… they should know now…

According to scientists and advisers to the major authorities – They were warned that this was going to happen. The National Guard and the necessary agencies empowered and trained to handle these situations have been shipped off to Iraq or had their budgets slashed for the same reason and to pay for massive tax cuts for the rich...

We already know this.

My message to everybody else outside of the USA. If you were expecting any help from America when you have times of strife – Look at New Orleans and see how you will be dealt with. Remember Rwanda. No oil there!

-
Not that you should be counting on American Governments - because its not right that you should be relying on them – They’ve got their own shit to deal with (like raping and pilaging the rest of the globe: I'm specifying American Governments and not Americans because most people have a tendency to believe that they are the same. They are not... ask the citizens of New Orleans). I’m just saying that this planet has to get its shit together and start taking care of ourselves.

Right now, George W Bush and his crew are milking the entire planet dry for their own ends. The oil price hikes due to hoarding of fuel by crooks posing as oil barons show us this (Not just American oil barons either) . You’re naïve if you think anything else. George W Bush the puppet fronting the major corporations that bankrolled his election campaigns don’t have a great track record in business ethics. Their attitude smacks of 'Fuck or be fucked'. And if you don’t know where you stand in the current line up just look at the prices at your local petrol pump.

We all know this. The public wants what the public gets…

Tired and wired

2005-09-15T11:33:00.000+10:00

The enemy came. He was beaten. I am tired. Goodnight.
Vicomte Turenne, (Message sent after the battle of Dunen) 658

Woke up this morning and I was knackered. You know that feeling when you've drunk too much booze and taken a pro-plus caffeine tablet? Late nights and dodgy food have started to take their toll on my life and its time to take stock. I’m on the wrong side of 35 and I’ve been driving on the ‘stroke highway’ for too many years. Being overweight is great for fat joke material but horrendous for your heart…

Yesterday I played the Kedron Park Hotel and found that I had been yawning and feeling washed out. I was due to close the show and did so with some success but I was less than satisfied even when several people told me it was a great show as I made my way out of the venue. So I’ve made my decision to take a break for a month after October’s gigs are finished. I need to get my new material out there but I need time to practice it.

Work was interesting had too many fuckwits on the phone swearing at me for no reason. These calls are great, simply because you suddenly get the upper hand on the caller:

I look better on the phone don't I?

Example:

Caller:

Look here, I’ve fucking had enough of you bastards sending me fucking stupid letters that don’t concern me.

Me:

Sir, anymore of that type of language and I will be forced to terminate this call.

Caller:

Don’t fucking speak to me like that. I can do what I fucking like...

‘Click’

Sometimes when you threaten to terminate the call the caller says. ‘Don’t worry mate. I’ll terminate it for you.’ And they hang up… So predictable: The beauty of customer service. It is amazing how many Customer service people think they have to take that kind of crap from people. Certainly, if the angry person is civil then you have to listen and take their shit but the moment abusive language comes out… ‘Click’. Face to face arguments are the best – As it happens, being Big, black and apparently savage does have its benefits. People are less likely to fling shit at me face to face even though people who know me know I wouldn’t say boo to a goose – I might end up cooking it but I wouldn’t say boo to it!

---

And also decided to get all my workmates to hate me all at once. How do you manage that? You become a Brit working in an Australian State Government office full of Australians and send an email around to the whole office saying this:

'Its weird that nobody has been to my desk gloating since Australia went 1-0 up in the series... Is there a problem?'
Chris Daniel

Then sit back and watch the anger unfurl... England 'heroically' took The Ashes series 2-1 for the first time in 18 years... That's a long time!

Truth be told, I hate Cricket. I think its a crap game... but my Aussie mates don't lose a single opportunity to rub my nose in it when they beat us at any sport... Now its My fucking turn!

Certainly breaks up the monotony!

Talking of breaking up the monotony Gonzo Tarb sent me his link which I’ve included in my link list so check it out but I’ve been tuning into Strawberry Pancakes on Tarb’s blog and I’m hooked and I can’t get that tune out of my head. Here I come on my bike, I’m looking for pancakes: pancakes pancakes pancakes ooooh yum! I’m riding my bike into town…

Today I’m sitting on the counter watching the world go by but learning some very interesting facts about earwax. Who knew there was actually a protective use for the stuff? All I know is it’s bitter and shouldn’t be ingested. I wonder if I can find out what use boggers are: apart from acting as a natural adhesive...

Comics Battle of the Gladiators

2005-09-14T15:26:00.000+10:00

‘Well fuck me sideways.’

Hannibal King (Blade Trinity)

FHM/Cougar Rum 'Funniest Man in Australia' Queensland State final

Judges: Jason Akermanis (Brisbane Lions), Nick Walsh (FHM),

Jamie Rowe (Nova)

MC: Lindsay Webb
Guest Comedian: Paul Worrall

Finalists
Alan Routledge, Alistair Crawford, Bart Freebairn, Brett Matthews

Casey Talbot, Chris Daniel, Chris Hague, David Wilson

Matt Okine, Nish, Sean Baxter, TC Clarke & The Laundromats

The quote on top of this blog is exactly what I thought when I saw the list of Queensland’s finest lining up for this final.

I was included in this list???

Frankly, when you’re talking about comedy in Brisbane – This bunch are some of the best on the Amateur circuit and without doubt there are some future starts here. Perhaps the next Carl Barron or Dave Hughes – who knows – all I could think about was that I was included amongst them.

The whole FHM/Cougar Rum ‘Funniest Man in Australia’ competition (No relation to Cougar Rum ‘New Comic of the Year’) felt a bit rushed. The three heats were held within eight days of each other with the final coming the day after the last heat but there was no arguing with the judges decisions to get these people through – I’ve seen them all at least five times each (No exaggeration) and they all still make me laugh – which is why I shat myself when I saw the line up – But I’d psyched myself up. The previous night I spoke with Kerrin who asked me straight up.

‘Do you think you can win?’

I didn’t think so and I told her.

‘Well then you definitely won’t win…’

---

Women have a way of beating your testicles black and blue without lifting a finger – but it worked – because I went and looked in the bathroom mirror and some of the nad bashing had released some well needed testosterone. My reflection told me point blank that there was no point in being in the Final unless you believe you can win… That brought a story to my mind when I was in Gran Canaria with The Wadsworth Brothers (Shaun and Jamie) – My God the memories… I was playing in a Doubles Pool tournament with Jamie W and somehow managed to get to the final – Jamie looked at our pool shark opponents and immediately said ‘What do you get for second place?’

I wasn’t happy with that attitude and told him. 'There's no point being in the final and looking for second place – We’re here to win!’

And we did. Jamie even potted the black… Couldn’t tell you what happened to the medal though.

So here I was again – but I had to shake my own attitude alive and that’s where I stayed all night and all day until the final came around. I was feeling good I knew my shit and got to the venue early.

At the door was Fedele in a very dodgy red shirt looking after the business as usual. I was still feeling good until I looked at the list of comedians but still I kept the groove. I wouldn’t be amongst this lot if I wasn’t up to the challenge… Fedele approached and uttered the worst words ever. ‘Hi Chris… you’re on first tonight!’

‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” Is what I would have said if I could speak… instead. ‘Great!’

Now I’ve been nervous before but what happened to me ten minutes prior to my appearance was horrible: I got Pins and Needles all over my body. That hadn’t happened even when I had to go on stage for the first time 9 months prior. I couldn’t even close my hand into a fist – Pretty damn crucial if you’re gonna hold a microphone. I did my breathing exercises and shook out my tensions but nothing was working. Then Lindsay Webb called my name. I was still in the same state as I climbed the stairs to get to the stage but the moment I opened the curtain and hit the stage. The pins and needles disappeared. I still shat myself – even when my first joke hit the air and the audience pissed themselves. I forgot my next joke, recovered and did the rest of the act but I felt like I’d choked: I got off stage, all my fellow comics shook my hand and congratulated me on a great show but I was only mollified when Kerrin came up to me and said I was great up there… I was mollified because she is the one woman in my life who wouldn’t bullshit me. If I was crap – she would have said so. God I respect that in her…

The others all came on and gave their best. It was truly a tough night to call by the time Paul Worrall came on to do this bit whilst the judges sorted out the scores.

Please show your appreciation for the comedians tonight!

Lindsay announced the winners. Only one went through to the National final and all thirteen was on tender hooks. Frankly, we’d all done enough to win it and nobody would have envied the judges decisions.

Wild Card winners – Twelve people would be in the final = One winner from each state (7) plus five wild card places… All the wild cards performances from all the states would be reviewed by a judging panel and chosen to go through. These winners were Sean Baxter and Matt Okine. Both are excellent comedians and bloody nice blokes too.

The winner was Nish. The look on his face suggested that somebody was about to run him over with a Mack Truck but I honestly feel that we’d all have had that look if any of us had been announced. It was an honour to be on the same circuit as these guys. See you all for Cougar Rum!

Straight outta Wynnum...

2005-09-11T17:37:00.000+10:00

Boredom is a sign of satisfied ignorance, blunted apprehension, crass sympathies, dull understanding, feeble powers of attention, and irreclaimable weakness of character.
James Bridie
---

Yesterday I played a nice looking place called The Waterloo Bridge Hotel. Nice venue in a town called Wynnum – which I believe is Aboriginal for ‘Out in the fucking sticks where there’s fuck all to do except play the pokies all night!’

A Wynnum limosine...

Line up:
Rob Brown MC
Chris Daniel
Marshel Davis
Brett Nicholls
Headliner: James Hunter

As I drove further out from Brisbane along the Wynnum Road, it seemed to get darker and darker along which became less city and more fuck all.

---

Rob Brown: Any dope smokers in tonight?

Audience member: Any dopesmokers?! Mate, you're in Wynnum!

I mention this place specifically because it was on this night that the idea was cemented in my brain that I need to expand my joke inventory. That inventory needs to include dick, tit, pussy and all the filth that comes with it. Places like this have patrons who work hard all day (in some cases – smoke, drink and sleep all day) and need to be entertained – without having to think too hard… And I can appreciate that because I can be the same on occasion – If somebody is being too clever I let it skate over me just because I can’t be fucked to pay attention… So describes the Waterloo Bridge Hotel.

Fedele gave me this gig because he wants to use me more and wants me to get better and extend my range – I don’t know if the idea was to get ruder but I’ve now worked out that I need to expand – and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Hello Wynnum, Hello Wynnum...

Rob Brown was MC tonight and as usual he kicked arse. He does gags about his family home life shenanigans and it gets well above racey – He’s hilarious but he also picks his gags to suit the audience and that’s where I will be heading over the next three months. I’ve got 13 jokes that I’ve written that all flows along the same line but I have infinite subjects yet to be explored. The last eight months have been a blast but now I’m about to explore the side of the audience that doesn’t like me too much… Watch this space...

---

Actually don't watch this space. I'm not resorting to those gags. Who the fuck am I trying to impress? I've said in an earlier blog that I've got things to say. I don't need to talk about pussy because that's not what I am about. I've said it before - I'm bored with my CURRENT material. If Wynnum wants to like me then they will whether I change my material or not. Kerrin said it best - Be true to yourself... Now watch THIS fucking space...

Angry man

2005-09-07T11:08:00.000+10:00

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)

---

For the first time in 70 Gigs I got angry with the audience. I wasn’t angry for me - as I rarely think of myself on stage: It really is all about entertaining the crowd…

Oh... Mi... Gard!!!!
The GIG was at QUT, Garden’s Theatre, Brisbane and I was to open up the second half of the show. I hadn’t been feeling my best health wise as I’d spent the weekend in bed with a suspected virus. On Monday I played the Paddo Tavern for the FHM/Cougar Rum ‘Funniest Man in Australia’ heat (Different to the Cougar Rum ‘New Comic of the Year’) and made it thru to the finals, which I was happy about because I still wasn’t feeling my best. That was an interesting night as the entire crowd consisted of comics and their friends. Most of the comics brought friends to laugh and get them through to the finals. Ironically, the three who got through to the finals brought only a spouse or no one… (Chris Daniel, Bart Freebairn and Casey Talbot). The final is being held 13th September 2005.

So as I hit the stage at QUT and looked out at the throng with my best smile I greeted the audience with my almost trademark ‘Hey Guys how you doing?’

In the silence I almost heard a groan… My headache started to get worse as my mind became torn. Ultimately, these people had paid eight bucks to come and see us perform so frankly they didn’t have to respond to me, just as I had no right being on that stage if I wasn’t going to entertain.

Its Wendall Sailor... is it fuck!

---
After the greeting I usually go into my Wendall Sailor gag. Not today.

‘Oh no my people! I fucking want more than that! I’ve got one mother of a hangover and that isn’t helped by the fact that I wasn’t drinking so there was no pleasure involved – I’ve also travelled all the way from… the Gabba (10 minutes walk away) so I want fucking more… So Hey guys, how are you doing?’

I got a better response and a better show and even though that headache was still ripping thru me I wasn’t totally happy: I’m bored with my jokes but that means I’ve made a commitment to write and perform edgier material. Think I’ll start with why I hate Gangster rappers and their unnecessary but very repeated use of the word ‘nigger’ and ‘bitch’ and also why I hate the pricks that worship these muthafuckers and come up to me quoting the shit as if I'll be responsive simply because I'm a black man…

Now all I need is a couple of punchlines and its all systems go…

Thanks to Bart Freebairn for the push!

Lying Bastards

2005-08-31T11:19:00.000+10:00

'A good conscience is a continual Christmas.'

Benjamin Franklin

---

I decided to throw my wife Kerrin to the lions a few weeks ago… by arranging a surprise birthday party.

I went to some effort. I emailed everybody I thought she knew who then emailed others who I didn’t. The trick to organising a good party like this is to know your own limitations. If you’re a party pies and beer man (And proud of it!) then it’s best to recruit help. My advice is to recruit her parents, best friends, talk to her allies at work and then watch the whole thing unfold successfully and you will gain an enormous amount of brownie points, limitless sex and adoration from everybody. Now that I’ve given you some great advice now I need yours… I’ll explain…

On the day of the party I needed to make preparations: decorations, food etc and obviously she would have to be out of the house whilst I somehow avoid being with her… Simple plan! I would get her parents to take her out for breakfast at their place and then shopping – since they lived miles away in the sticks – it was a safe bet that she wouldn’t be back for a while. I, on the other hand would pretend that I had to work:

A bit of background detail – I worked every Saturday and Sunday for four years in a Supermarket and vowed never to work on weekends… ever again… Kerrin knows this and now I would have to sell the idea. Three weeks before the party I planted the seed in her mind that I might have to go in for a few hours. I played the role of the pissed off worker and she happily bought it… However,

The night before the party I took Kerrin for a lovely meal at the Hilton Hotel in Brisbane, the wine flowed and we ate until we were ready to burst… again – it was a buffet! I digress, she brought up the subject of her parents taking her out for lunch and she asked me what I would be doing at work. The story was that my place was putting on a show and I was helping with the preparation for it.

That’s when she accused me of lying!

Lying Bastard!!!

-
What the fuck? Did she know about the party? Who let the cat out of the bag? What the fuck?

‘What do you mean? I let you know about this weeks ago! If I’m gonna lie about something its not gonna be about going to work.’

What da fuck?!

More back ground info – I’ve been caught lying before… I was going to the cinema to watch ‘Hellboy’ It was full so I watched ‘The Bourne Supremacy’ instead. I was supposed to go later that week with Kerrin but I thought – I don’t mind watching it again with her so I told her a little harmless lie. For whatever reason – she just knew I was bullshitting! And now here I was being caught again… What the fuck!?

‘Look its something that we all have to do at work – it’s my turn this year.’

-
She left it at that but you could tell she wasn’t convinced. On the day of the party. All preparations went well. Kerrin was truly surprised and I was ‘The good Husband’. But now she can tell when I’m fibbing. Any tips anyone. I guess lying is out of the question during this marriage… Shit!

Lordmen of the Tarago

2005-08-30T16:25:00.000+10:00

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I was sitting at my desk on a June afternoon when I got the call from Fedele Crisci. I haven’t mentioned this man before but he’s pretty crucial to many Comedians who want to perform in Queensland.

Brisbane has a number of comedy outlets but most are run by the SitDown Comedy club which Fedele is the producer of. It’s the place where I’ve got started on open mic gigs and the place where any talent I may have, has been nurtured. Frankly, I’m having the best times on stage despite the fact that I still want to hurl my guts up 20 mins before I’m due to go on… Matty Marr, a great friend and fellow comedian, say those times wouldn’t be so good if I wasn’t getting any laughs… He’s right!

'Tarb' is a friend from the bus. He's mad and out of control.

From The Mind of Tarb: Warm? Warm? Its like a doonah full of beans.

Memorables included performing on the same bill with Lady Julia Morris (Full Frontal) in March. Austen Tayshus inciting a crowd to get riotously drunk with the full intention to offend then being surprised when a fight breaks out during his set. The main highlights have been meeting some top quality talent (That’s comedians, not women although there have been women comedians that I have met who were talented) in Queensland.

Back to the call from Fedele: He asked me if I would join a troop of comics to compete in a comedy competition called Green Faces… in Canberra! Not only is it an honour to compete with the other five chosen comedians (The up and comers apparently – you had to be hand picked by the Sit Down Comedy club to enter) but it would be my first time playing a gig outside Queensland. The trip down and accommodation would be paid for by A-List who runs the event - Thank you Aaron Laing - the venue was the Canberra Irish Club

From The Mind of Tarb: For Christ sake’s man - I have capsicums more intelligent than you…

The only downside would be that all six of us had to make the trip from Brisbane to Canberra and back… in a mini-van… a Toyota Tarago: Roomy, fast on the road and capable of handling six men bullshitting for 16 hours driving. Frankly the downside wasn’t down when you consider the contents of the van:

The Lordmen Order of Canberra:
Chris Daniel: Frigmobile chaser
Marshel Davis: Dugong Slayer
Sean Baxter: Tony Soprano's dancing partner
Bart Freebairn: Swashbuckler Extraordinaire
Alistair Crawford: Bar Fridge lover
Nish: Curried Sausage supplier

Tarb: Not a well man...

I was informed by previous entrants that a bond usually develops on the journey down and they weren’t kidding. By the end of the 72 hours we were going to know things about each other that were pretty damn personal.

Right from the off when we all met outside the car rental company in Fortitude Valley the gags were cracked: I was wearing my Air Jordan skin beanie (From New York darling!) only to be told that I looked like a gangster rapper – at that time of the morning 8am we’d have to be talking Notorious BIG… as he is now…

---

From The Mind of Tarb: I’ve got 40c for you if you scull a pint of homo semen

An unwise decision was made to nominated Alistair Crawford and I as drivers of the van. Probably based on the fact that we were the oldest of the gang - I guess somebody had to be trusted! They obviously hadn’t seen me drive and certainly not on the dodgy terrain that was the Australian roads between Brisbane and Canberra. Alistair took the first shift…

Bonding bloke stories are fantastic: any woman who wished to be a fly on the wall on what a bloke wants would have found it here. General consensus to the ‘so called’ Secrets to dealing with men: Fuck/Blow us, let us sleep and don’t speak for an hour! No bloke wants to discuss the new curtains when he’s on ‘comedown’… How simple is that? This would be what my loving wife refers to as Misogyny… Fair enough, but I digress.

From The Mind of Tarb: I’m so excited I’ve taken a dump right where I stand – there was a nun there but she didn’t mind - the filthy whore!

Conversation highs: Drugs, great curries, best holiday shags, break ups, worst gigs, best gigs, gag stealers (Die Die Die!!!!). Movies: Movies with big guns that blow shit up, squealing lightning fast cars that crash and blow shit up, spaceships that fire rockets that blow shit up and PORN!!! We discussed great and shit comedians we knew or seen and recited some of the best jokes we’d heard. We even filmed some of the crap we spilled! That sounded wrong didn't it...

Sixteen hours and long roads down to Casula in NSW. Sadly on the way we saw the result of an accident where two people had obviously died. One of the blankets covering a victim was covered in blood where the head was… I was expecting somebody to crack a joke because this seemed like a crowd to do that sort of thing in uncomfortable moments – No… Thankfully the rest of the journey was death-free.

From the mind of Tarb: Hey! If you meet a girl who wants to suck your cock but she has seven legs, what kind of Harmonica would you need to serenade her…?

Canberra Irish Club is a nice venue. Well blow me down with a feather if the predominant colour in the club was green. I had a joke about being at the club dressed in black and the only green I had was in my underwear… I decided not to!

The night of the competition was a mooted affair for the comedians as we all ‘got into character’, shook off nerves and went to that special place in our heads that nobody can get to…The part that occupies the many waking hours of Bart Freebairn. I decided to get drunk then remembered that I promised to drive and would also be doing the first shift back to Brisbane at 5.30am. I hate responsibility. Are my days of sleeping in Mini skips filled with Asbestos really over… Shit!

I was first on and it is the most hated placing in the business – The MC Mick Meredeth did a sterling job of bring the room up but for me it wasn’t to be the night of a thousand laughs that I’ve gotten used to. My Wendall gag went down a storm, especially the new tag line that Kerrin had written for me but from then on it was laughs from the rear of the room. For reasons that only the playback from Nish’s video camera will answer, the first three rows were supremely uninterested… I finished on a high as the Frigmobile gag took root but that was it. I left to applause and knew right away that I wasn’t winning this heat… especially not with the likes of the five following me onto the stage. To beat them you had to be on top of your game and clearly I wasn’t.

Marshel Davis was next and played a blinder, his ‘Roger Federer’ impression brought the house down and he took the opportunity to bring in some improv which set the tone for the rest of the night…

Sean Baxter! I’ve been at gigs with him before. A wonderful, energetic performance that saw some of the patrons voting for him before they’d seen the last three acts! His BBC ‘man of steel’ in a crisis and Tony Soprano giving dance classes is funny every time you see it.

Bart Freebairn occupied the fourth spot and performed well to the appreciating crowd. When Bart performs you truly got the feeling that all his stuff was coming off the top of his head as he delivered perfect line after line. He dealt with hecklers in fine style.

Alistair Crawford delivered a near perfect set but upset his act by running overtime. From start to finish he slayed the audience and had some of them choking as he laid into Nikki Webster…

Nish was improv extraordinaire – he tried out new ideas just because he was having fun. Somebody maybe trying to steal his shit but they weren’t going to get away that easily…

There's no reason for this picture - I just like Frank et al.

Sean Baxter being announced as the winner came as no surprise. He flowed well and most importantly he was fucking funny. He will go into the finals with the other Brisbane finalist: Triple J national winner Josh Thomas.

Guys - thanks for a fantastic time - it was fucking special!

---

Next competition is the FHM/Cougar Rum 'Funniest man in Australia'

Cougar New comic of the year competition: Heat 2

2005-08-11T14:17:00.000+10:00

10th August 2005: Paddington Hotel

(The Paddo Tavern)

So… In March 05 - I reached the semi final of Queensland Raw Triple J narrowly missing out on a place in the final (3 went thru. 18 Comedians – I came fourth – great in a five man biscuit game – crap in Triple JJJ Raw semi final)

Tonight saw nine gladiators of the stage fight it out for laughs from the Paddo crowd. It wasn’t a full house but it was just enough to get them going if things went right for the battler in the spotlight.

The line up for the night was as follows:

MC: Rob Brown
Jason Reed
Alan Routledge
BJ
Chris Daniel
Dick’s Dessert

Break

Christian O'Dowd
Benny Graw
Steve Elle
The Laundromats

As usual Rob Brown kicked his best stuff and converted in fine style in readiness for the new comics to approach the waiting crowd. All nine comics did their best and achieved recognition from all sides for one reason only. We all took part. We all showed off the contents of our underpants. We all put our money where our mouth was: And if our mouths were where the contents of our underpants were then we’d truly be legends…(Oh please…)

Jeez! You is ugly!

The highlight (or weirdlight) was ‘Dick Dessert’. A four man troop that consisted of an American man dressed as a Reverend, a dancing gibbon and two men dressed in the campest cowboy outfits: The village people would have scratched their eyes out… they sung a song that consisted of the lyrics “My father fucked John Howard” and the worst guitaring since… anyone who’d never picked up a guitar.

Anyway – This time four people would qualify for the semi finals in October and it was not as straight forward as some would think.

The three runners up
Alan Routledge,
Chris Daniel
Benny Graw

The Winner was: Steve Elle.

To say Steve was shocked was a vast understatement as he collected his prize of a Cougar Bourban 12 pack. He came off stage and handed the runners up a bottle each. What a dude!!!

It was a good night. Roll on semi finals in October. Next gig for me – Greenfaces in Canberra. A competition of the chosen faces in Queensland by the Sit Down comedy club and The chosen faces of NSW by somebody else (Look, I don’t bloody know alright…)

I’ll let you know how it all turns out…

Australia Fair...

2005-07-31T09:30:00.000+10:00

'You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty...'
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

Australia is an very interesting country. Despite a very healthy dose of patriotism - Buy Australian, breathe Australian, 100% Australian made etc - It actually lives on imports! Either that or foreign companies make a lot of commodities on site...

Humanity is a stones throw away... or maybe an ocean

But the one thing it seems to have a hard time dealing with is imported culture. Sure it loves the Thai restaurants that litter the towns and suburbs but maybe not so sure about the people cooking the food…

I’m not talking about ordinary people that walk the streets and function as normal human beings – What am I talking about?

The blue rinse set.
Old gits with old ideas that happily run around retirement villages desperately willing to support Pauline Hanson’s rise into celebrity

‘Oh wasn’t she lovely on that dancing with the stars…? Why won’t those do-gooders leave her alone – She’s only trying to protect proper Australians.’

Proper Australians? What are proper Australians? Australians in general don’t seem to know the answer to that question because there is a general feeling that Australians are only just starting to find their identity…

An identity that is changing with each passing day because it has to incorporate different culture, creed, sexual orientation and religion…

Can you guess now why the blue-rinse sets are shit-scared…?
Its because the Australia of 1950 is finally starting to disappear: And the moment that John Howard and his ‘Al-Qaeda is going to kill you’ scare-tactics no longer hit the spot in his pre-election speeches then Australia – All of Australia – are finally going to wake up and embrace each other in a way that would make Martin Luther King wake up and weep with joy.

But first… something has to give way. Hopefully a senior generation doesn’t have to die before that happens, but the way I see things going I doubt it will be allowed to happen – there are just too many people with a vested interest in watching the bottom and indeed middle echelons of society fight amongst themselves. A bottom and middle echelon who are happy to be bought off with a small tax cut that will allow them to buy an extra cut of meat or put a extra litre of premium in their Mitsubishi Wanker, er, sorry Pajero…

A tax cut that will always be recovered through other means. My Grandmother had a saying: ‘Rob Peter to pay Paul…’

God is watching

2005-07-28T12:51:00.000+10:00

'I believe in a God that doesn't require high financing!'
Irwin M Fletcher

-
I’m not a Muslim and I’m no longer a Christian.

By way of background information I was raised a catholic but

have since renounced those teachings to something a bit more simplistic and less dogmatic.

I believe in a higher power that created all life and the ever expanding universe!

The two ‘rules’ of this belief system:

be good to yourself
be good to your fellow man

The ‘God’ I believe in - Does not watch over us - He/she just watches us.
He/she does not judge us – He/she learns from us.

As beings learn from their experiments.

The computer hard drive that is our brain is God’s creation but has been granted ‘intelligence’ through millions of years of evolution. Each new version of the ’superior’ species is an improvement on the last… except I now believe that we have reached the end of the line in our own evolutionary step.

We kill animals for sport instead of for food.
We continue to damage our air supply with big fuck off 4 wheel vehicles even though we know that they chug out more shit than regular cars that carry just as much.
Our governments won’t commit to cheaper energy systems because they

are slaves to the ‘oil dollar’
We get fatter (myself included) in the ‘western civilisation’ whilst the ‘developing and third world’ die from diseases that were curable two hundred years ago.

We’ve heard it all before and what’s worse is that we don’t care.

I truly believe God is watching us kill ourselves because he has granted us the gift of making our own choices

Come and have a go if you think you're Hard enuff!!

2005-07-26T14:50:00.000+10:00

'As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.'
Mick Shrimpton (Spinal Tap)
---
Had an interesting night at the Gold Coast Arts Centre last Friday -

Comedians:

MC: Jamie Rowe

Chris Daniel

Sam Backman

Brendan Lovechild

Headliner: Mark McConville

The gig went fine even though one of the 'comedians' relied on internet gags and sad racist jokes for her laughs (Are there really any black guys out there called 'Rastas'? Maybe I don't get out enough). Plus the crowd were restless at the back – I’m usually quite good at holding their attention due to the fact that they’re transfixed at what’s just stepped onto the stage...

This isn’t always an advantage. I played the Hamilton (Hammo) Hotel for the first time on 11th June 2005 which coincided with the Stradbroke races… So the entire first three rows of patrons were wasted!

I can't drink schooners anymore... get me a can and a straw... Hic!

Katrina Shiels was the MC for the night and she happens to be one of a handful of female MCs on the Australian circuit… which means that she has to be bloody good at the job… and she is. It probably doesn’t help her cause either that she is generously built in the bosom area because that’s where drunk men (who am I kidding? Sober men too!) focus first. But she handled them superbly… the drunks not her bos… work it out for yourselves. I’m not gonna go on too much about that because I know her fiancé Stewart Davidson (Another top MC)…

Anyway – at the Hammo they were pissed as brewery rats!

After Katrina worked her magic – it was my turn… I entered the stage expecting the worst kinds of rubbish to exit their mouths and then…

Nothing!

The first three rows were quieter than church mice… and as I delivered material that usually had crowds rolling in the aisles…

Nothing!

In fact – they all looked a bit petrified… It was as if they thought I was gonna beat several colours of excretia from them if they so much as… well, laughed!

Threatening?! To who exactly? Blackbeard?

Funnily enough, laughter was coming from all areas except the drunken bastards. I even got so cocky as to pick on one of the drunkards' girlfriends...

Nothing!

It was a learning experience – usually I’m the one who’s terrified when the mic is in my hand but not this time.

My ten minutes ended and I left the stage to mooted applause from the front and cheers from the back only for Katrina to get back on stage for the sleepy bastards to wake up again. I’ve never known a girl to work so hard for her money…

This isn't a girl who brings a fart to a shitfight!!!

Utmost respect Katrina.
-
So how do I use my threatening presence to my advantage? I can’t! Beating the shit out of the audience isn’t conducive to a night of top class entertainment. The weirdest part of the night though was when several of the inebriated party cornered me at the bar and congratulated me on being really funny!!!!

I was in the best place to watch them at the time – they hadn’t cracked a smile. I was the first comic on that night and maybe they hadn’t woken up… who knows?

Still my kinda crowd. Woof!

One day – I’ll tell you about supporting Austen Tayshus. All you need to know about that gig is that it was the first time I’d ever seen an audience that drunk or seen a fight at a comedy club and I’ve been going to comedy clubs (Britain, America and Australia) for nearly twenty years…

Unintentionally smaller...

2005-07-21T12:09:00.000+10:00

"His style is so advanced most surfers don't even understand what he's trying to do."

Phil Edwards (The Endless Summer)

You can probably tell that I am no surfer.

Riding the waves or mating with dolphins...

But back home in England, we used to have a go off the coast of Cornwall in a small town called Bude. We must have been off our nuts because Cornwall is no Surfers Paradise – Think Tasmania… but colder! And to make matters worse, we were all pissed! Only the British, eh.

After we finished we all drove home in silence – there was something going on between us but nobody wanted to say it just in case it brought ridicule from the other. Then one brave soul spoke up…
‘Look lads, is it just me or has anybody else’s cock disappeared?’
A cloud lifted ‘Hallelujah!’
‘Oh thank Christ! I thought it was just me!’ said five people in unison.

Ooer missis...

The male genitalia has a protection device that claws the jewels back up into the body. Why was this not explained on the instruction manual? If it were not for one brave man in the party – we would all have still been traumatised by the event…

Kedron Pk Hotel – 20 Jul 05

2005-07-21T09:59:00.000+10:00

'You know what the abreviation for July is? J-U-L... Man you gotta be in a hurry!'

John Mendosa - American Comedian
---

Comedians:
Lindsay Webb: MC
BJ
Jenny Wynter
Chris Hague
Garth Remmington
Josh Thomas
Break for a piss and refill
Chris Daniel
Darren Brinkworth
James O’Connell
The Laundromats (Kris and Shane)

Tough Gig!

Its amazing to watch a fantastic MC like Lindsay Webb give his best anecdotes and gags to warm up a crowd and get absolutely nothing back from them. This venue has been running for a week and this night was the second.

There was a crowd of around eighty doing uncanny impressions of ice blocks looking as if they were determined not to enjoy themselves and why should they invest any emotional attachment to the night? It’s not as if they paid to get in…

Not blocks of ice: my kinda crowd baby!

I’m not bitter! Seriously. These nights are fantastic training grounds for comedians just starting out. Granted – you feel like absolute shit when your best gags are tossed away like spoof filled nodders but it teaches you to keep strong in the face of indifference. Yesterday was no exception. As usual I got a few good laughs but not the guffaws I have become used too and let me tell you – it’s a great leveller in keeping your feet on the ground. I feel that I am growing as a comedian (no cracks about the expanding waistline, please…) I’ve had some shockingly bad gigs where I’ve bailed from the act because I’ve forgotten a line or felt it wasn’t going too well. But Mermaid Beach Tavern on the Gold Coast was a landmark gig for me. I forgot lines but nicely padded the act out with interaction from the crowd.

I have been quite lazy in not learning and trying out new material at the open mics – which is why the venues are there in the first place. So I will endeavour to be more proactive about that.

Next gig is at the Gold Coast Arts Centre tomorrow…

Elder Abuse Prevention Unit

2005-07-18T17:10:00.000+10:00

Dear Chris

On behalf of the Elder Abuse Prevention Unit (EAPU) and the Prevention of Elder Abuse in CALD Communities (PEACC) Taskforce I would like to thank you and June Hordern for contributing to the success of our forum on 12th July 2005.

It was a very innovative idea to include comedy in a forum, which addressed serious social issues and had to be evaluated for measured outcomes. The comedy interlude contributed to tension relief, to recharging of energy and to awareness raising of issues relevant to the forum’s topic through laughter.

The comedy content and delivery styles were appropriate, respectful and tailored to the type of the event, to the participating audience and to the general topic.

Comments given by the forum participants regarding the comedy segment included.

1. Comedy – very good in an all day training session
2. The comedy team was a great way to start the afternoon
3. Comedy relief was good
4. Entertainment was great
5. Comedians great
6. Brilliant idea to introduce comedy into workshop
7. Comic relief was great – helps to improve attention when feeling tired
8. Comedy interlude broke up the day
9. Thank you for the thought put into having the comedians
10. Comic relief excellent
11. Loved the comedy skit
12. Comedy great
13. Comic relief excellent
14. Comedians were good

I would like to wish you all the best with your future endeavours and hope that we can collaborate with you again.

Regards

Maya Zetlin
Project Officer (Elder Abuse Prevention Unit)

Our Pauline...

2005-07-13T17:36:00.000+10:00

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Pauline Hanson is now a celebrity in Australia – Glorious country but just like everywhere else it gets it wrong on occasion. But this is a fuck up of global proportion.
Its not so much that she’s considered a racist – That’s her choice - it’s the celebration of her ignorance that’s the most worrying. And now that she’s been exposed as the picturesque front of a bunch of fascists and been to prison for inappropriate behaviour in politics, she doesn’t get the vilification that she deserves, she gets sympathy from the corners of this country that knows its past and therefore should know better.

Her one redeeming factor is that she has mentioned some of the injustices of Aboriginal female prisoners and their conditions inside and ‘outside’ of prison… but she won’t go on the offensive and keep this in the public eye to attain for her past ignorance (As if!). Instead she’s on ‘Celebrity come dancing’ looking like there’s a vibrator up her arse and not using the forum to bring to the forefront the plight of many of this country’s citizens… and lets make no mistake – they are citizens!

Inappropriate Vs appropriate

2005-07-13T10:59:00.000+10:00

Read this and then you decide

Thought for the day

2005-07-13T08:15:00.000+10:00

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs...

Anon

The public wants...

2005-07-11T11:51:00.000+10:00

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Sometimes it isn’t the biggest mouths that make you listen. Sometimes people will make up their own ‘minds’ and then make a decision based on ‘rational argument’ from other self serving sources.

John Howard won the 2004 election with his biggest margin ever!
My point – Everybody I spoke to in Brisbane reckons they wanted him out! When the results came in I began to pay more attention to my surroundings.

Which of the people in my life hadn’t voiced an opinion?
Who changed the subject whenever talk of an election came round?
Who professed NOT to give a stuff about the election…?
There were a surprising amount of people in these categories. I think it’s safe to say they knew where their ‘x’ was going even before the campaign started.

I can't vote – They won’t let Brits disrupt the order.

Red X - 1st April 2005

2005-07-11T10:51:00.000+10:00

1st April 2005

Comedians Stand-Up for Blood Donors on April Fools Day

Three of Brisbane’s most up-and-coming comedians stood up for blood donors on April Fools Day by performing at the Brisbane City Blood Donor Centre.

Comedians Matthew Marr, Chris Daniel and Matt Bury from the Sit-Down Comedy Club served up a smorgasbord of laughs for staff and blood donors with their hilarious routines and witty repartee.

Chris Daniel, Matthew Bury & Matt Marr

Donors were also given free passes to the Sit-Down Comedy Club. Overall it was an enjoyable event for many and was effective in spreading the message that the need for blood is no joke.

Fashion!

2005-07-10T23:24:00.000+10:00

Can one speak there of feelings?

Karl Lagerfeld

Fashions are weird – I’ve never been personally affected – as you can see. I’ve always been in that neutral zone of being completely inoffensive by not bringing attention to myself.

I think that describes most of us!

Run! Here come the Queer eyes boys!

But then you get those guys who want to be ‘in vogue’ but they like that style so much that they keep wearing it… even though decades have passed after that fashion went way beyond its sell by date. They’re secretly hoping that this fashion will come back in. Even if it did they would be way too old for it…

Mullets, perms, afros and flowery shirts are a perfect example but look at the faces of the people wearing this shit. There is a deluded confidence that is just baffling but these people are deranged enough to happily punch you in the face should you pass comment… which is why they all still wear the shit!

We be edumacated!

2005-07-10T14:39:00.000+10:00

After a certain high level of technical skill is achieved, science and art tend to coalesce in aesthetics, plasticity, and form. The greatest scientists are always artists as well.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

My Handwriting has gone to absolute shit now that I use computers all the time. I wouldn’t mind so much but I’m 36 years of age!!!

What’s the significance – well, I’ve been actively using a keyboard instead of handwriting letters for about seven years – meaning that I started handwriting lessons at eight so I’ve practiced for twenty years straight.

If it’s taken me barely seven

years to become crap at handcraft how the hell do children manage?

They’ve known nothing else; For them its computers and video games and hand/eye coordination skills that don’t include the basics of writing stuff down. One of my wife's colleagues - who is barely old enough to have pubic hair - couldn't believe that our generation wrote entire essays using a pen!!! The way he talked about it was as if we all used a quill and ink pot!

Oh Dear!

I envisage a world where handwriting will become obsolete. Currently we use palm pilots for organisation instead of filofax or diaries, we have sat/nav in our cars instead of writing down the directions… even if there isn’t sat/nav, we can go to an internet site then download and print the directions to follow…

It’s great that technology has made life so efficient but maybe we shouldn’t rob our children of the basics… This is something to watch before it gets ‘out of hand’…

Another Prophet of Rage?

2005-07-10T13:59:00.000+10:00

World wide capitalism kills more people everyday then Hitler did. And he was crazy...

Ken Livingstone

London has just been bombed and many are dead. Murder has just been given a new name - terrorism - but it has been around forever...

Bill Hicks is dead! He died Eleven years ago and this planet has had a huge void ever since. I would love to be able to write and perform comedy like he did and I envy the intense insight that he possessed - but in truth I'm just like all the other ants that roam this fucking Earth. I have enough knowledge to know we are all being fucked: by our governments and big corporations but I don't have the courage to stand up and fight them. I still have a nugget of faith that our leaders will do something to help us instead of lining their own pockets and making deals with people who do not have out best interests at heart.

I always think that somebody will come one day who will sort this out. Christians believe Jesus Christ will come back and rule with an iron fist. Hmmmnn - That's according to my religious family in St Lucia. I'm not going there (The argument - not St Lucia)... I don't know what Muslims believe but I hear something about 72 virgins... but I digress.

72 Virgins?! No thanks - My women have to know what they're doing...

Saviours come in many forms but generally they form the images that we see in the mirror. Hopefully we'll all recognise these saviours and deal with these trying situations with the love that is needed and not the fear that is constantly presented.

I performed a gig for the Valley's RFC (Rugby) in Brisbane, Australia last night. After I'd finished a very successful set I was given a Rugby shirt by the club Secretary. The club are know as 'THE DIEHARDS'. He asked me to perform a a gig in that shirt and let people know that Valley were thinking of London during these trying times and that they should remember that they should never give up! Ever.

I told him that Londoners already know that and on a certain level - they will appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate it on their behalf and while the emergency services do their difficult jobs in locating more innocent dead, hopefully their families can appreciate it too - I just don't think it will be for sometime...

My mother rang me today and we spoke for half an hour. she'd spent a week in Barcelona and had a double whammy of having to worry about family in London possibly in danger and then hearing about the hurricane in Jamaica where my Grandmother is. Thankfully there is only an issue of flooding that is being corrected. Its just those poor sods in Cuba who are dealing with their dead...

Christian, Muslim or even Jedi. Pray for those who feel pain.

My favourite prophet of Rage said: '...Love instead of Fear'

I love you Goatboy!

Where's ya balls, man?

2005-07-10T13:35:00.000+10:00

'Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.'

Brad Pitt

Single guys? Wear a wedding ring! Why? Well…
In my twenties I was not the most confident being when it came to the ladies – I had a few dalliances but nothing near what I could have if I’d been just a bit more confident or even nonchalant when the time called for it.

Suranne Jones - she had her chance!

Now I’m in my thirties, I’m married and very very happy! I think… not think… I know that women can spot this. I’ve been to places without my wife and had access to women that I would never had a chance with ten years ago but the beauty of all this is that I’ve knocked them back without a trace of regret. The question of ‘Where were you bitches when I was single and desperate for it?’ always echoes into the vacuum of my testicles…

Oooh.. Mr D! Doesn't the bitterness show...

Whose life is this anyway?

2005-07-09T23:39:00.000+10:00

'According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.'

Jay Leno

Is it just me or is Homophobia something that too many people subscribe to.
I don’t know about you but I don’t care what gay men and women get up to – Two consenting adult doing their thang with each other is none of my fucking business. Anybody outraged by that premise needs to get a fucking life!

Cranberry Margaritas aren't the only fruit

I do have one beef with gay men though – Quit claiming dancing as a gay activity – It is not! I’ve been to some of the best nightclubs in the world and met many gay men: Some of which danced like angels but the majority of them couldn’t dance to save their fucking lives. It’s like that old saying –
The best chefs in the world are men but not all men are the best chefs!!!

Just stick to telling Metrosexuals what to do!

Top Joke

2005-07-08T15:10:00.000+10:00

What's the difference between a white onion, a brown onion and a 12 inch cock?

Nothing really... they all make your eyes water...

Big Mouth

2005-07-08T15:03:00.000+10:00

‘Only the good die young but pricks live forever!’
Leon Black

On embarking on a stand-up comedy career you get some interesting ideas from people closest to you. The first time I hit the stage it was with seven other people who were also up for the first time.

A few told some dick jokes which did not go down well with some of my friends in the audience. One of these disapproving people was a lovely lady who happens to live in my house.

‘Too many dick jokes.’ She said. ‘They weren’t funny.’

Funnily enough, she did find one of the dick jokes funny – This was one where the comedian referred to his unusually small penis... Hmmmnn

She reckons that I should avoid dick jokes if I want to be funny. My lady friend is a lesbian... Hmmmn!

You have to know where and when to take advice from a listening audience. Fact - Sex sells! Sex can be funny. Don’t believe me?

The second biggest selling television series in the world was ‘The Benny Hill Show.’

Wanna know what the first was?

‘Baywatch’

And you don't get much funnier than watching David Hasselhoff in an afro...

The defence rests!

March 05 - Email to UK

2005-07-08T12:18:00.000+10:00

Well…

We start with some bad news. Due to my complete inability to lie and cheat old ladies I have been drafted into the church to do bible readings on Sunday Mornings. My truths that I never rise before 10am on Sunday unless I receive a hefty kick from a significant other and the fact that I don’t believe in Jesus failed to make an impact. I think I am just another project for Joan Cook of Bridgeman Downs, Brisbane who wants to draft ‘young blood’ into the church. Their congregation has an average age of about 70 (that’s with children being dragged along too)… Plus the fact that I am darker than the average patron with a voice of an angel (stop sniggering you lot!)… I didn’t have a bloody chance. Rest assured that this will be a new routine on my quest for comedy stardom… Its payback to the Comedy Gods telling me that I have to worship something other than J-Lo’s backside…

Probably not as good as they make out... maybe...

… Which leads me neatly onto the subject that people (in my household anyway) want to know about.

Since graduation in Dec 04 I have made 15 appearances on stage. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the general sh*tting of one’s pants to throwing up and grinning like a ‘e’ head on Prozac. All in all it has been great fun.

One thing that concerns me about performing is the fact that although I no longer shake like a crack addict in withdrawal whilst on stage, I still brick myself 30 minutes before entering the stage. I’ve spoken to many comics now who’ve been in the business considerably longer than I have and they say that never changes… Fantastic! I finally know what I want to do when I grow up yet I’m lumbered with the sh*ts before every performance! The comedy gods laugh their arses off once more.

What you fookin looking at?

Highlights so far – I reached the semi-finals of the Raw 2005 Queensland state competition where I was ranked 4th out of 18 comedians but sadly only three went through. That is the business. Other highlights were getting to play on stage with some Awesome comics. The best by far is an Aussie lass currently living in London called Lady Julia Morris (Photo included). She has just been voted ‘Time Out’ comedian of the year which is enormous and she’s been touring Oz for the last six weeks. I managed to get 10 minutes on her stage at a grand venue called ‘Gold Coast Arts Centre’. This was my biggest venue to date with a crowd of 250 people. I met with the grand lady after the show where she informed me that her fiancée purchased her title ‘Lady Morris of Gosforth’ over the internet... a very funny, classy and filthy lady. Just what this planet needs more of!

He's mine I tell you...

Thanks to all who have looked at my Graduation photo and commented on the ‘weight loss’… trust me… its incredibly good camera lighting. I haven’t lost a bean. I’m jiggling more than ever and more chins than a chines… no its not funny or clever, but you get the idea.

Job is fine. Still dealing with b*stard builders and some very gullible homeowners. It has not been a good couple of weeks for Building Services Authority. A scandal rag (equivalent of The Sun but without the t*ts) called the Courier Mail ran a very unfair article on BSA practices… of course, now that I’m on the front line I’m getting all the sh*t that comes with it. Thankfully people are very nice to my face but on the phone it’s a different matter. But of course once the swearing starts you can assert the old ‘Sort it out son or you get cut off!’ mode. They get it in the end.

The worse thing about all of this is that they claim all this information comes from a source within the BSA… Link… When I completed the comedy course in December I provided feedback to Robert Grayson who ran it. He asked me if I would speak to a newspaper with regards to the course about how the course changed my life. The newspaper came to one of my gigs and took photos and I gave them a small interview, Name, age occupation etc. The newspaper? You guessed it – Courier Mail. My interview hasn’t popped up yet - but it will. Have had to inform the boss who assures me that it won’t be a problem seeing as the ‘interview’ was weeks ago… I get into some scrapes.

Renovations are progressing. We have completely ripped the sheeting from the walls due to the fact that we had potentially lethal asbestos embedded in the walls. After 48 hours of crapping ourselves we were informed that it was virtually harmless but could still do enough damaged if we filed into it (Not likely) so we got rid of it for good measure.

We’ve got ourselves a good chippie who is a Hari Krishna. Good Karma – He works for his money instead of dancing stupidly in the streets. Who ever decided to invent a religion where your sole purpose is to get laughed at in the streets needs a couple of years therapy or jail time… whichever is the more brutal. My only problem with these guys (and the f*ckin Mormons) is that they always home in on me. Ten thousand people could be in the street but all those bastards will focus their pity radar on me like I’ve got some kind of problem. Maybe, but I’m the one in comfortable shoes! Anyway – there will be one in the house in two months – That’s a lot of time in trying to convert us. I think its fair to say he’ll fail (Said the person who couldn’t say no to an old lady who’s talked him into bible readings – oops!)

Suffice to say, anybody thinking of coming to stay is still welcome but there’s no 5 star accommodation (no 1 star accommodation – but there is free asbestos in the air and a nice view of the mosquitos from the back deck!)

Christmas was okay. Missed you all. Missed you all so much that I didn’t make one phone call to any of you - Am I a sh*t? Yeah – sorry folks, I’ll make it up to you sometime. Especially sorry to Seannie Sean as I sent out my graduation link but didn’t wish him a happy birthday. Sorry Sean. You know I love you, man. Show us your helmit!

Can you all please send me an email with your birthday on it so that I no longer forget… I’m not gonna send you a card because I can’t be arsed but at least I can look at it and say to myself… another one that I forgot… Wahey!!! What a wank*r…

Did sod all at Xmas! Except taunt children by not buying them anything worthwhile… except educational stuff. Nothing turns a kid off ya from being the favourite uncle by buying them a maths book for Xmas. My pleasures are few but they are extremely perverse. Try it, pals. Give your kid an Oxford dictionary for their birthday and watch his/her face. If they could reach they’d rip your bits off!

Easter is coming and the chocolate will get stuffed. I love Easter. I especially love eating hot cross buns in December. It gets closer each year. Round here the xmas crackers are already in the shops! Lazy or enterprising? You decide.

Melbourne – Went to Melbourne in December (Twice) and their interchangeable weather. Sunny in the morning, gale force winds at mid-day, snow by mid afternoon, cyclone by… you get the gist. Whilst I was there I spoke to a cabbie who says he didn’t like Brisbane because it was Sunny all the time… You can’t please some people. These people have a contrary view of their weather and think that being hot one minute and freezing the next is a feature to their city. Yeah? Is that why every bugg*r is moving to Queensland by the thousand? You can keep it! I probably will go back seeing as the big city is great place to party but I would rather go to Sydney first. I am currently trying to score gigs down there as we speak – I’ll let you know how that goes.

Here’s a trick to freak people out (best worked on in-laws) when gathered together. When somebody says something stupid or controversial, ask the host if you can have a pen and paper and then start jotting things down… eventually somebody will ask you what you’re writing… you reply. ‘Nothing… just research.’ Watch their faces… its brilliant – My in-laws think my entire comedy routine is about them – I’ll admit it’s cruel but it passes the time beautifully.

Travellers day... see the world a bit

Gotta go and kill termites now – One last thing – my email address has changed again – I’m really really sorry but spam has taken over big time and it seems that there too many people with Viagra, vicodine and penis enlargement tablets with email addresses.

Love to you all

Koxy

Oct 04 - Email To UK

2005-07-08T11:36:00.000+10:00

Well well well. I guess after such a long time away its only manners to check in with my dearest friends and say g’day! Haven’t called many of you in months and for that I apologise and beg your forgiveness – I’ve been in a bit of a glut recently and I’m coming out of it. I really hope you’re all doing well and doing your best to be happy – I only say this because I love you!

Not much is happening over here. The sun is still shining and I’m still a smug b@stard! Except now I’m a smug b@stard with an unrenovated house and no builder who’ll step up to do the work. If you know any tradesman looking to emigrate to Australia, there is plenty of work for them here. Oz’s emigration policy is putting this country up the spout with regards to skills shortages… still, they won’t be told!

Job is still fine, but I’ve decided to take a different course and henceforth – Chris Daniel the stand up comedian will be born. I’ve written (purged) a lot of sh1t from the inside of my head and am ready to share the joys of failed sexual antics and my dodgy viewpoint of the world (Oh goody!). I figured I couldn’t do too badly because the locals here are in two categories – Enormously funny or complete crap! I plan on being in the enormously funny section before the year is out. I can write material but my delivery is sh1t so I have enrolled in the Robert Grayson class of Stand Up comedy and attended the first class Monday just gone. We were asked to write material on the things we hate the most... I wrote four gags and received my first laugh in the third gag – here it is

‘I hate hypocrisy in the fashion world – Women in hipster jeans and their beerguts hanging over their belts – very attractive, I don’t think! Yet when I try the same thing, the police get involved!’

Not bad for five minutes. I’ve just put all my gags onto tape to see how I sound and to time how much material I have – My complete act takes up 25 minutes of tape (This is good) but I sound rubbish (Not so good). Much work has to be done but I’m very enthusiastic about it all. Kerrin is very supportive although she reckons parts of my act are offensive to women… I dunno – you do one bl0wj0b gag and you’re cursed forever! Look out for fierce attacks on ‘The Queer Eye’ team. Not attacks from my comedy just look out for them being attacked… period!

House is coming along nicely. Myself, Kerrin and A FEW OF HER FRIENDS HAVE BEEN HELPING OUT IN THE GARDEN… Yeah, I know what you’re thinking - me in the garden! With a chainsaw!!!! I am Man! Not just man but MAN PLUS. If I knew how powerful having a chainsaw made you feel, I’d have become a bloody lumberjack years ago – It’s only my reluctance to cut down trees that’s stopping me doing that now! Our desire to have a better view of the city lights from our top deck persuaded me that the banana tree obscuring the view must go… it was dying anyway and we will be replanting new trees! No whinging you Greenies!

Our new 4 burner nuclear roasting fry-anything-to-within-an-inch-of-its-death barbeque has now been constructed and had its test run last Friday. It’s a stormer and cooks chooks in nothing flat! I’m so proud - It came in bits from the Aussie equivalent of B&Q (Bunnings) and I had to put it together with one screwdriver… Some idiot went to the tool shop and bought a tray full of screwdrivers. When said idiot got home, the screwdrivers had been glued into the box! How was I supposed to know it was the display model I’d picked up? I only opened the box to make sure the screwdrivers were all there and then took it to the counter. When I went back the next week to exchange them - the lads in the shop p1ssed themselves laughing when they heard the story and p1ssed themselves again as I left. There’s just no sympathy left on this planet.

Anyway, my tool collection is coming along – soon I’ll have a tool belt and will be walking around the house as if I actually know what I’m doing – I’ve resisted the urge to do any plumbing!

Bad news at this end regarding the Soccer (Ohhhh it still grates – Its football goddamnit!) ‘Foxtel’ better known in Britain as SKY (Pah! I spit on your satellite) has robbed free television of the football rights – it will come as no surprise that that Murdoch scum owns FOXTEL. I’m going to have to pay for it after all.

I’m not a happy camper but that doesn’t mean I’ll be taking to the streets with an Uzi anytime soon – shouldn’t even joke about it really – Are Terrorism laws gobbling up your freedom in Brit as they are in the US and Australia? Not so much ‘Coalition of the willing’ but ‘Coalition of the terrorised’ over here. Everybody is shit scared of terrorist attacks because of Bali and Jakarta and the constant Government warnings that it will happen on the mainland of Australia soon… 30 years of the IRA – You can get F*cked! I’m not running anymore! RANT OVER!

With that last pearl of wisdom it only remains to say Adios. People have been asking whether I will be coming back to Blighty’s humble shore – ‘we’re working on it’. We’re still giving the IVF a go and we’ll know for sure whether babies are abound or whether we go on a holiday forever and travel the world…

That’s all folks. As ever I apologise for missing anybody out. Let them know that I am thinking about them so much that I missed them off the email. That includes you Matty J and Michelle C.
See you on the darkside.

Koxy

July 04 - email home to UK

2005-07-07T11:30:00.000+10:00

Hello my lovely people – Kneel before Zod!!!!.

Hope all is well amongst my troops in the UK – Keep your chins up because according to all our governments… THEY ARE ALL OUT TO GET US…

Why do I get the feeling that all will calm down after the respective elections in the US, UK and Australia which are all being held this year and or next. RANT OVER.

The approaching August month will see my ‘tour of duty’ in Australia hit eight months. Well f*ck me if time hasn’t flown by. I only blinked twice and the year has almost gone. Apart from the obvious it has been a fantastic ride and long may it continue.

A few people have expressed a wish to come and stay and again I say it will be no problem. However, we have just engaged the services of a draftsman who has just submitted plans for renovations to the house to the local council and it could get messy. Keep in touch for continuous progress reports. I wouldn’t want your best shirts/skirts ruined by falling masonry or plaster…

The winter here is still skating along and believe it or not it can get quite nippy over here. I’m walking to work in trousers and jacket instead of shorts and t-shirt… when the sun does come up it tends to get to 20 degrees and the Queenslanders stop their whinging… momentarily.

Last Friday was spent in the company of The Green Party candidate for Brisbane – Don’t panic… they had the first load of tickets for the Michael Moore documentary Farenheit 9/11… Entertaining but it didn’t tell us anything that we didn’t already know… This was definitely a film to let the Americans know what’s going on – Not including Bob of course… sorry mate! You’re one of us now!!!

Had a revelation last Tuesday! The date of 13th July 2004 was not just our wedding anniversary…but it was also the day that I looked at a piece of Modern Art and understood what was going on in the artists head… As most of you know, my views on modern art is one of complete disdain and I won’t entertain the idea that the artist wasn’t just taking the piss out of us.

I stood looking at this painting by a Chinese artist called Irene Chou for almost ten minutes when this woman approached me and asked me what I thought it meant – when I told her what I was thinking she shook my hand and left. As I was leaving the building I saw a photo of her beside her section of the exhibition. I’m either getting too old or f*cked in the head… either way, it’s not encouraging news.

Me… in an art gallery… wielding an axe… Oh sh*t I gotta headrush!

Job is going well – the fools appointed me last week after my three month probation ended on 13th July (Red Letter day) and blow me down if I’m not having fun with it. The brickies are still annoying and the home owners still stupid.

Typical conversation

‘Hello, My builder has run off after I’ve given him $20,000 in cash – Can I claim on insurance?’
‘Sure! What’s his name, licence number and address?’
‘His name is John…’
‘Er! Yes… Can I have his surname?’
‘I don’t know it! I only know him as John… I’ve got his mobile number but it seems to have been disconnected.’
‘O-Kay… his address?’
‘He lives somewhere in Brisbane…’
I kid you not! This happens regularly.

Me… in a job… enjoying myself… Oh sh*t I gotta headrush!

One last joke on Euro 2004 –

RONALDO, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God.
God looks at them and says,"And so here you stand facing your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life.
"Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."
God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was that brought you to my throne?"
Figo stands tall and proud and says, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."
God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.
He then turns to Beckham and says, "And you, David - presumably you want your ball back?"
---

Kerrin is fine and sends her love to all those wonderful people who sent best wishes to us. She is still in her job working as Director of Multicultural Development Agency where the bureaucracy seems to do more harm than good – Not bad for a non government agency!

Keep all your emails coming as I love to hear from you guys. Each NEW joke and email is like the sun on my face… not like the real thing of course… (Easy! Easy!) but you’ll know what I’m talking about when you come and see us. I understand the Summer is shocking as usual!

By the way – if you wanna p*ss off any Australian going on about the rugby – use this sentence. ‘Rubgy is crap anyway – Australia is going off it because its now documented that Soccer is the number one participant sport in Australia and is still growing!’

It’s also very true. Probably means I’m gonna have to start paying to see Premier league matches like everybody else. And just when my beloved Spurs seems to be doing things right in the management stakes. Roll on 2004/05 when we whoop Chelsea and Arsenal’s French ass… Sorry Jacques…

Bye y’all. Talk to you all

Koxy